


Too Late, Baby Now

by TracyLouiseHeart



Category: Ocean's (Movies), Ocean's 8 (2018), Ocean's Eleven Trilogy (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Backstory, Depression, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-06-12 07:18:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 31,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15334710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TracyLouiseHeart/pseuds/TracyLouiseHeart
Summary: Debbie's in the slammer and Lou is losing her shit, but that's not the only reason. Tammy is the only other contact in her phone, so after a night of drinking goes south, Tammy's the one to pick up the pieces. The badass blonde's wounds run far deeper than what's on the surface.





	1. Catch Me, I'm Falling

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a lot of broken Lou. I just feel like she's got a lot going on. Takes place pre-film.
> 
> Feedback is always lovely.

Timeless, composed, and almost ethereal.  That was how Tammy had always thought of Lou Miller. To be perfectly honest, she wasn’t even sure of Lou’s exact age. But the one thing that she knew was that Lou was always deliberate and precise with her aesthetic and demeanor.

 

Sure, her temper might flare a little if you fucked with someone she loved, but she was generally even-tempered, the cool one.

 

So when Tammy got the call to pick up the unconscious human in possession of Lou’s phone, she was a bit taken aback. That certainly didn’t sound like Lou. Lou leveraged her natural height and outrageous footwear as an intimidation mechanism, and she looked like a fucking badass, but she generally stuck to getting buzzed and observing. She seldom got plastered. Tammy remembered her distinctly groaning on one such occasion, “I fucking hate losing control. Don’t let me go past six again.”

 

\--

 

Lou was passed out, slumped over in the corner of the seedy dive bar by the time Tammy got through the traffic. She was the only contact saved in Lou’s phone, other than the Jailbird. Even from across the bar Tammy could see there was blood in her hair an on her face, matting her bangs against her forehead.

 

“Christ,” Tammy muttered under her breath, “this is even worse than I thought.” Tammy hadn’t seen Lou in a few years, not since the last job they’d run with Debbie. She’d known Lou and Debbie had had a falling out, but after that she’d only heard from Lou occasionally. They’d call each other to worry over Debbie, but Tammy hadn’t been able to get a hold of Lou since the arrest. She was pretty convinced Lou had blocked her number, honestly.

 

Tammy nodded her thanks to the bartender. Tammy would’ve stood out like a sore thumb in this bar, but it was nearly 3 a.m. and the place was dead. Tammy’s face was bare, her hair pulled back into a hasty ponytail, as you do when rescuing your dumbass city friend from self-destruction.

 

Tammy got ice, water, and a bar towel from the decently friendly but extremely burly, heavily tattooed bartender, promising to clear out soon. She knelt down beside Lou and started gingerly wiping the dried blood from her face, taking stock of her injuries. She’d definitely gotten clocked a few times, but it didn’t look too bad. Most of the damage appeared to have been caused by her face catching something like the edge of a ring. She checked Lou’s hands, knowing she would’ve put up a fight.

 

“Oh…Lou…” Her fingers were bloody, swollen and bruised. Tammy realized quickly she wouldn’t be able to get the rings off in this state. She did her best to clean them off and iced her knuckles. Tammy took a deep breath and shook Lou gently.

 

“Lou, honey, wake up. God, I hope you didn’t hit your head…” Lou didn’t budge. Tammy rested her forehead against her palms. “Okay Tammy. You’ve got this.” She splashed water on Lou’s face and slapped her gently. Lou stirred groggily, confused.

 

“Hmm? What? Ow.” She tried to open her eyes but one of them was swollen slightly shut.

 

“Lou, sweetie, do you remember what happened?” Tammy crooned in her smooth, maternal, honey sweet voice. Lou rolled her head in Tammy’s direction and groaned.

 

“I fucked up, didn’t I? How did you know?”

 

“Apparently I’m your only friend.” Tammy’s eyes were smiling and her tone gentle. "Come on, we’d better get you home. I think Reggie over there is losing his patience." Tammy helped Lou to her feet, and the world started spinning around Lou, who stumbled back against the wall. “Whoa…you ok there cowboy?”

 

Lou let her breath out slowly, nauseous.

 

“I’m good, I’m good.” Lou despised showing weakness, so the fact that she was even in this situation was pretty much her worst nightmare. After a few steps it was clear Lou was definitely limping, not just drunkenly hobbling. Tammy shot her a mom look.

 

“You are not good. Here. Lean on me. I know you’re towering over me in those stilts but I’m what you’ve got to work with.” She pulled Lou’s arm around her, literally shouldering her weight. Lou couldn’t put up too much of a fight in her present condition. Tammy was double parked right in front, so fortunately the extraction wasn’t a problem. Lou even remembered her own address and they only had to pull over for Lou to puke once, which Tammy considered a success.

 

Tammy parked and pulled Lou’s boots off gingerly. Her foot was bruised and swollen and Tammy didn’t want to risk making it worse if Lou slipped on the stairs.

 

Slowly but surely, Tammy got Lou into the apartment, which was a tiny studio on the third floor. Most of Lou’s possessions were in still-packed boxes, some of which were clearly being used as tables. The places to sit were the bed and the toilet. Her clothes were all in laundry bags or baskets, and Tammy was entirely unclear as to whether any of them were actually clean. Empty liquor bottles and take out containers were strewn across the floor, including a bottle that had been smashed against one of the thin walls. Half of the bottle was still embedded, having broken through the drywall.

 

Lou wobbled and Tammy steadied her just in time for Lou to vomit on both of them. Tammy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Lou would’ve been humiliated if she wasn’t physically so miserable. All she managed was a growl and a muffled whimper.

 

“I know, honey. It’ll be ok. Come on, let’s get you to the bathroom.” Tammy helped Lou undress and get into the shower, which Lou evidently found amusing. She smiled cheekily but her brain was too fuzzy to come up with a witty remark. Also, Tammy was washing Lou’s hair and it was the only thing that had felt good to Lou in a long, long time. She basked in the comfort of being taken care of and started to doze off. “Lou, where are your towels?”

 

“Mmmph. Bed…also…oven.” Tammy leaned Lou against the wall, making sure she was reasonably stable.

 

“Okay, Lou? Lou! Stay awake for a second.” Lou nodded and opened her eyes as wide as she could.

 

“I’m good.” Tammy laughed softly and retrieved the bed towel, dried her off and wrapped her in the towel. Tammy helped her over to the bed, where Lou pulled on green plaid boxers and a black wifebeater which were strewn across the floor where she’d left them. She then flopped onto the nest of random shit on her bed and rolled onto the other side. She was snoring within seconds.

 

Tammy sighed and cleaned up the vomit as well as the broken glass. And took her own damn shower, discovering that in addition to a towel, the oven and broiler housed boxers, t shirts, and a single pair of jeans. Now clad entirely in Lou’s clothes, Tammy went down to the basement to put the vomit covered items in the laundry and set about throwing out garbage and of course she sorted the recyclables, as well. She periodically checked to make sure Lou wasn’t aspirating on vomit.

 ***

It was nearly one in the afternoon when Lou woke to the smell of coffee and the sound of eggs frying in the kitchen. This was weird for many reasons, not least of which being that Lou didn’t own any kitchenware. She rubbed her bleary eyes, but doing so made her hands and face hurt like hell.

 

“What the fuck happened last night?” she asked herself aloud, as she had done entirely to frequently of late. Tammy turned around from where she stood at the stove, in Lou’s direct line of vision.

 

“This morning, and I rescued your dumb ass.” After the words left her mouth she realized she wasn’t sure if their sarcastic banter had survived whatever happened when Lou stopped taking her calls. Lou, however, had no recollection that Tammy was even there and jumped, nearly falling out of bed. “Whoa, Lou, be careful! You’ve already got enough injuries for one day.”

 

“What do you…” She didn’t complete her thought as she looked down at her neatly bandaged ankle. “Bollocks.”

 

“Yeah. You really did a number on yourself. And also I’m sure on whoever you were fighting with, if that’s any consolation.”

 

Lou groaned. She’d been blacking out more often, but she hadn’t forgotten a bar brawl before. Or, at least not one where she’d been injured.

 

It was only as Tammy approached the bed with eggs, toast and coffee that Lou realized that Tammy had a baby bump. It was fairly small still, but definitely there.

 

“Oh my God…Tam…what the hell were you thinking saving my ass?” Tammy scowled.

 

“Uh, you’re welcome.”

 

“No, seriously. I mean, look at you! God, fuck, I’m such an asshole. Dragging a pregnant lady out of Jersey at fucking last call. Fuck. I am so sorry…”

 

“Lou. It’s fine. That’s just what friends do. And also, I’m glad someone called me! You could’ve been dead by now.” Lou scoffed.

 

“Probably ‘bout damn time anyway,” she muttered, but not softly enough.

 

“Excuse me?!” Tammy had heard Lou play at being defeatist in the past- that Australian self-deprecation thing- but this was more than that. Lou widened her eyes.

 

“Shit. I didn’t mean to say that. I really appreciate that you did this…I just…you should go home. You should be resting and…shouldn’t you be doing…mom things with your son? What If you’d gotten hurt?”

 

“I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. And you. And Derek is fine, my sister is watching him.” Lou raised her hands in surrender.

 

“Point taken.” Lou took the food and coffee somewhat cowed but grateful.

 

Tammy looked around the room, catching a glimpse of a couple of framed photos resting on the windowsill. The first was old, it looked to be from…the ‘70s, maybe. It was a tall, gangly blonde girl, about 10 years old. She was dressed as Clara in The Nutcracker, with full costume and makeup. She was posed, the shot looked relatively professional. Tammy looked over at Lou, then back at the photo.

 

“Wait a minute.” Lou looked up, mouth full.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Is…that you? Were you a ballerina?” Lou scowled.

 

“You weren’t supposed to see that.”

 

“What? Why not? You were so cute!”

  
“And _that_ is why not.” Tammy rolled her eyes.

 

“Okay, well if nobody is supposed to see it, why is it there?”

 

“Because _nobody_ was supposed to come here except me,” she huffed, more miserable than angry.

 

“You mean like…until you unpack or…were you going to move again…?” Tammy’s eyes locked with Lou’s and for a long moment the weight of Lou’s wordless answer knocked the air out of both of them.

 

Tammy set the photo back down and climbed onto the other side of Lou’s bed. She fluffed the pillow under Lou’s foot before lying on her side, propped up on her elbow. She looked deep into Lou’s eyes. Lou tried to break eye contact, but Tammy turned her face back.

 

“Hey. What is going on with you? What is this about? Is it Debbie?” She shuddered to think that Lou might’ve been behaving this way since the arrest which was over a year ago…or worse, since the “rough patch” started.

 

Lou shook her head.

 

“No. It’s not about Debs.” It wasn’t a complete lie, and Tammy could sense that.

 

“Then what? What happened?” Lou chuckled.

 

“What didn’t happen?” She sighs. “You know, Tammy, I haven’t seen you in…what, five, six years? A lot can change in that time.”

  
“Well…sure…but you never said anything when we talked. I told you things, about my husband…my kid. You just kept saying ‘same old shit.’” Lou rolled her eyes at Tammy’s terrible impression.

 

“First of all, I don’t sound like that. And I don’t know…I just…I needed space.”

 

“You mean you wanted to hide something from Deb.”

 

“Not hide, and not something. I just wanted to be…rid of her.”

 

“Uh huh, sure. That’s why you kept calling me to freak out about Claude.”

 

“I was freaking out because she was being stupid.”

 

“My point still stands.” They were stalemated, but Tammy wasn’t going to let the Debbie tangent distract her. Even if she was the one who brought it up. “Anyway, what was the stuff you didn’t want her to know?”

 

Lou could very easily tell Tammy to fuck off, and she very nearly does. But…then she realizes…she’s got nothing else going for her. Hell, she’d half planned to actually off herself last night.

 

“Okay, fine. I’ll tell you. But only because you’ve saved my ass this time.”

 

“There’d better not fucking be a next time when I don't.” Lou ignores this.

 

“If you must know…I moved on. From Debbie. She found that douchenozzle and I…moved on.”

 

“I take it…that didn’t go well?”

 

“It went like all things. It was great until it was shit.” Lou shrugged.

 

“That…okay, but...you weren’t like this after you and Deb split up, were you?”

 

“Well, we were never married, were we?” Lou rasped. Tammy heard the thunk of a glass bottle against the night stand. She turned to find Lou wiping whiskey from her mouth. Upon closer inspection, the nightstand-box was just a case of Jack that had a silk scarf thrown haphazardly over top. Tammy’s heart broke a little more for Lou, somehow. This was just really fucking sad.

 

“I don’t…married? That’s…not legal is it?”

 

“Not here it’s not.”

 

“Where…were you?”

 

“It doesn’t fucking matter.”

 

“Okay…” Tammy said, choosing her words thoughtfully, “then what _is_ important?” Lou glared. Tammy threw her hands up, exasperated, “I don’t know, Lou. What do you want? I’m just trying to help. It seemed like maybe you needed someone to talk to, but I can shut up.”

 

Lou inhaled deeply, slowly. She let her breath out in the same measured, deliberate way.

 

“I’m not good at this type of thing,” Lou growled softly, with a slight edge, as if warning Tammy to desist. Be that as it may, Lou’s eyes still betrayed her desperation.

 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to be good at it.” Lou picked up her beat up Zippo from amongst the sheets and absently spun, opened, and lit it in one smooth motion. Then just as effortlessly she snapped it shut.  This was a nervous tic she’d had as long as she could remember.

 

Lou didn’t speak for such a long time that Tammy assumed she’d had her fill of talking. As Tammy took the plate over to the sink, Lou’s velvety voice filled the entire space.

 

“It was after Claude. After…she cheated on me, or didn’t cheat, or whatever _Deborah_ ’s preferred version of events is. Right about…well, really, she told me to fuck off after she’d been with him only a few days. I left, I couldn’t stand to be anywhere she’d show up to.”

 

This was not how Debbie had reported these events, but Tammy let that go. She crossed back towards the bed and sat at the foot, facing Lou.

 

“You might as well settle in, this is a long one.” Lou propped a pillow up against the headboard and helped Tammy find a comfortable position for her aching back. “Are you sure this is okay? Don’t you need to sleep or eat or something?”

 

“Lou.”

 

“Fine, right. So anyway I fucked off like she told me to…”

 

“Why did you two split up? She never told me.” Lou rolled her eyes, giving Tammy an almost playful look, a hint of the spark she got in her eyes when she smiled.

 

“Why does Debs ever do anything? She got bored. Oh, and apparently we were never really together anyway.” There was a hint of venom in her voice as she spoke the last sentence, and Tammy suspected it was more than justified. Debbie’s her best friend, but that’s also how Tammy knows that she doesn’t fight fair.

 

“Ouch. I’m sorry I asked.” Lou waves it off.

 

“In any event, I loaded up my bike in the truck and pretty much torched the rest of my shit and just drove round the country for a bit. Cut off my hair, biked country roads, that kind of shit. Ended up round Providence after a few months. I was fucking broker than broke and tired as fuck so got a job managing books at a club, living out of my truck. Which, by the way, I’m too goddamn old for anymore, I don’t recommend it.”

 

Tammy chuckled.

 

“So is that where you met…your…person?” Lou smiled at Tammy’s attempt to be politically correct.

 

“Yes.  My eventual ex-wife. Good riddance.” The thought of her made Lou’s skin crawl. She took a long drink.

 

“She was very young. Maybe that was the first red flag, I don’t know...”


	2. Time Travel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tammy finally gets Lou to spill what happened when she ran off after Debbie dumped her. She gets more than she bargained for...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very sorry to have put such a mean ending to the last chapter! There is A LOT going on in this chapter. This is all backstory, ftr, and there is a sex scene in this chapter.

 

Lou stood far behind the bar at the club, leaning up against the office doorframe, observing. Her burgundy velvet waistcoat fit just so, hugging her curves like a second skin. And highlighting her flawless cleavage, and just a hint of the black lace push up bra beneath. In combination with the heavy layers of jewelry, Lou felt almost invincible. Or at least impenetrable, like a fortress. She twirled links of her gold wallet chain through her ring-laden fingers absently as she looked out over the sea of glistening, glittery patrons.

 

The club was packed to the gills with young queer folks. Impossibly young, Lou thought. She’d barely had an idea of who she was at that age. They were mostly men ( _boy children, really)_ of course they were. There were hardly any damn dyke bars left in this country, she mused, let alone clubs. Most of the non-men were straight women, inexplicably on bachelorette parties.

 

Lou tried not bed too many of these young women, regardless of orientation. She’d try to scope out women in their thirties, at least. There were almost never any women over the age of 22, though, so Lou tried to just keep to herself. She was tired, just so tired, and it took so much explaining to get these kids to understand anything about her experience. It was exhausting. Even the sex was exhausting. It was also depressing, since she was still living out of the goddamn cab of her truck, and even these children had apartments.

 

Lou made her way outside to smoke in the alley. She bumped shoulders with another person making their way back in. Turning to either glare or apologize, Lou’s not sure which, she locks eyes with one of the young folks she’s seen around before. At first glance, Lou glimpsed only shoulders, cheekbones, that angular jawline, glitter, alluring hazel eyes lit with that characteristic early-twenties eagerness, hunger for life. The young woman bit her own plump lower lip amorously. She’s muscular, and tall- maybe taller than Lou would be barefoot. She wore a white muscle shirt and relaxed black jeans that sagged just enough just where they should, but were tight enough where it counted.

 

Lou’s ice blue eyes smoldered, black painted lips curling into an intrigued grin. The two wordlessly study one another until the younger pins Lou up against the wall, kissing her roughly. Lou stumbled slightly, taken aback. She hadn’t been kissed like that in a long time…probably not since she was a teen. She preferred to be the driver, that was how she’d always put it.

 

Lou gripped the woman’s hips tightly, moaning softly. She slides her hands over her ass and the woman pushes in closer. What once Lou thought was a belt buckle she can now determine is a hard packer that would’ve been visible if she’d seen the woman’s front.

 

“Bold move,” Lou growled. She’d had a few encounters like this in her younger years, when she’d been trying to catch up to the learning curve. Those encounters had felt different, somehow. She’d felt restricted and overwhelmed.  This was, therefore, not what Lou generally went for, but right now, in this moment, it felt so. Fucking. Good. A low growl escaped her throat and she ushered the girl into her office, locking the door.

 

Lou was instantly pushed up against the desk. She had one hand in the woman’s hair, the other sliding down the back of her pants. The younger woman was between her thighs and Lou could feel the pressure from the dick rubbing up against her. Her tongue flicked against Lou’s earlobe. She whispered “I’m Jess, by the way” before sucking the sensitive spot just below Lou’s ear. Lou literally trembled in anticipation as Jess’s hand undid her vest. Jess traced her tongue down Lou’s clavicle, then teasingly around her nipples. A large, strong hand attended to each breast in turn as Jess’s hips bucked against Lou, sending ripples of exquisite, agonizing anticipation throughout Lou’s body. Her knees were weak already.

 

“Please…” Lou never begged, so she almost didn’t recognize the sound of her own voice.  She pressed herself up against the younger woman. Jess undid Lou’s belt and slid her pants down easily, fluidly. Her eyes sparkled seeing that Lou hadn’t worn underwear. She let out a sound of approval and undid her own pants swiftly, pressing up against Lou shortly thereafter. The dick brushed Lou’s clit but was replaced by Jess’s finger, slowly circling with perfectly alternating pressure. Then, just as swiftly, Jess slid inside of Lou, and in a matter of seconds she’d come for the first of many times that night.

 

Jess was reluctant to reciprocation, which was difficult for Lou to navigate, having typically been that way herself. But Lou hadn’t slept well in ages, nor had she been fucked this thoroughly. Before she knew it, she was waking up to the sun shining in through the curtains. The office smelt of sex and everything was upended. They’d been at it for hours, and on all of the surfaces…she smiled. She felt…good, for once. Lighter, maybe.

\--

Tammy looked a bit confused but not judgmental.

  
“She…kind of sounds like you, but younger. Is that…am I totally wrong?” Tammy was always nervous about saying something offensive.

 

“No…actually…I wish you’d been there to tell me that quicker.” Lou chuckled bitterly. “I think I was chasing an impossibility.”

 

“So…you guys…had a lot of sex…how did it get to be more than that?”

 

“Honestly? I thought it was a fling. She just kept coming back.”

 

\--

 

Jess and Lou fit together comfortably. Physically. Lou’d put enough together to get an apartment, although in truth they split the cost. Jess was young, but she’d just begun working as a tattoo artist.

 

At first it was just physical. Although they’d moved in together, to a one-bedroom apartment, they still talked very little. They discussed classic cars and motorcycles. And they’d fuck. It was simple, and it was easy. It felt like they knew each other already.

 

They’d been living like this for over a year when Jess popped the question, because of course she did. She was always the one with the ideas, and Lou was along for the ride. About ten months into living together, Jess began dropping hints about moving to Western Massachusetts to work at a friend’s shop. She wanted Lou to come with her, and even stranger, Lou wanted to go with her. After spending so much of her life utterly unmoored to anyone or anything, the idea of being wanted was deeply enticing. And so they did, they moved to a small, isolated town. Lou had plenty of road and foliage to explore, and the pace suited the laid-back existence the two had enjoyed. Jess was under Lou’s truck, tuning it up, when she popped the question. Lou, lounging on the front steps, nursing a beer, smiled and nodded.

 

Lou had never thought she’d be able to marry someone that she actually loved. It had never dawned on her that same-sex marriage could possibly be legal somewhere that she lived. It almost felt like fate, if one believed in such things.

 

This was truly the first time Lou had felt safe in her adult life to just be who she was. They were married in a simple ceremony in their small yard, with a few of Jess’s friends in attendance. Her parents disapproved based on Lou’s age (which Lou actually understood) and refused to attend. Jess hated this fact but would never say so. She reminded Lou a bit of her own father, who had been a man of few words, but emotionally available. It felt familiar, like they shared a deep intimacy that transcended age and language.

 

But it changed.

 

The first year came and went without incident. The easy pace and simplicity settled into an effortless rhythm. They’d spend free time biking through the countryside, stopping at greasy spoons, laughing about buttoned-down folks who gave them funny looks when they veered too far towards old money towns New England towns. They’d make short trips to Boston and Provincetown, staying with Jess’s friends, primarily. Lou had made a vow to herself after Debbie to go straight (work-wise, anyway), and she was sticking to that. The money that she accrued through her job in Providence was modest but sufficient, and saw her through that early period.

 

After the move, Lou had a harder time finding work than she’d anticipated. Clearly her knowledge of American demographics could have been better when she’d agreed to this move but, she thought, Jess should’ve seen fit to warn her. (Not that the younger woman had necessarily known what she was getting into, either, nor would Lou ever voice this grievance aloud). Lou’s wardrobe garnered a lot of dirty looks and overt aggression. Jess’s masculinity is relatively accepted by the mostly working class folks in the area- it’s straightforward. She seldom wore makeup and typically just wore black jeans, t shirts, and steel-toed boots. Lou, on the other hand, was flamboyant and feminine in a way that made people uncomfortable in combination with her distinctly masculine air.

 

She stopped going out of the house when she didn’t have to, unless it was simply to hang around down at the shop. To its credit, the shop was a world unto itself. It was definitely out of place in this rural locale, and with the exception of an adjacent dive bar, the surrounding area was empty. The tattoo industry in Massachusetts had always been a troubled one, given that tattooing at been considered a crime until only very recently, and what few shops there were tended to be centered around the Boston area. The microcosm seemed enough for Jess, who had difficulty wrapping her head around exactly why Lou was having a hard time.

 

After defending herself in a few too many brawls that she hadn’t asked for, it didn’t seem worth the effort or the dry-cleaning bills. It wasn’t like there was anyone around she wanted to see, anyway. It took a while for the isolation to settle in, as is often the case with recently married couples. But once Jess’ appointments started picking up, the spell was lifted. It wasn’t just the two of them in their own private bubble.

 

Having an unemployed, substantially older wife who’s the town pariah must not have been easy for a 23-year-old to endure, and surely this raised tensions between the two. There were fewer words exchanged, and a biting hostility to their occasional fights that had never been there before. Jess drank more, and came home less. And Lou…stayed home, feeling forced into a domestic, maternal role that she had never thought she wanted in this relationship.

 

In truth, nothing external was forcing Lou into that role. Sure, there was a tension when she and Jess would go out in town, but Lou could handle herself. She just didn’t feel like fighting, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to change herself to be accommodating. She’d been down that road before and suffice it to say that had not ended well. And certainly there were more places to go than out around town. Surely she could ride her bike around as she had always done. She just couldn’t muster the energy. Aside from a handful a manic moments, even getting out of bed had become a struggle.

 

But more than the lack of motivation, there was something else nagging in the back of her mind. Something she’d expected more resistance about, and that she never thought she’d be hung up on.

 

\--

 

“It sounds like you just fell out of sync.”

 

“I like to think it’s more like I time traveled.”

 

Tammy looked puzzled, amused.

 

“I mean I know you’ve been drinking but maybe that’s enough,” she teased.

 

Lou shook her head.

 

“I’m serious. Not literally, of course,” she paused, trying to think of a way to explain. “It’s like a was a tourist in this…youthful fantasy life.”

 

“I don’t understand…” Lou sighed.

 

“What I could’ve had at that age…of course there were other factors. But mentally…I wanted something impossible. It just took too long for me to realize. I can’t be that person, it’s not who I am. I’ve been through too much.”

 

“Was it just about her age?”

 

“It was a lot of things. But…no. It was about me. I own that.”

 

 

\--

 

Lou sat in an armchair positioned by an open window, chain-smoking Parliaments and drinking directly from a handle of the cheapest, worst vodka she’d ever had. The autumn breeze brought a brisk chill into the house and swept Patsy Cline’s sorrows out into the night. It was 4:30 am, and Jess hadn’t been home in a few days. Lou had cleaned everything in the house more than once (and she certainly wasn’t a neat freak, except in the kitchen) and couldn’t think of anything else to care about.

 

Lou anxiously pulled out an old, worn brown leather notebook from where it hid in the bottom of a simple, small wooden chest that she’d had since childhood. She unwrapped the closure and paused a moment to hastily wipe away the tears that covered her face. After ensuring that her fingers were dry and clean of any makeup remnants, she gently slid a 3x5 photograph out from the notebook.

 

\--

 

Tammy and Lou had both dozed off, the events of the early morning having caught up to them. Tammy, however, was awakened shortly thereafter by the baby bouncing on her bladder. Unable to get back to sleep due to the baby’s incessant kicking, she tucked a blanket around Lou and finished up the laundry. As she was folding clothes, her eye wandered back to the photos on the windowsill. The second photo was hidden slightly behind the first, and after the ballerina conversation, she hadn’t gotten to look at it. But now, with her full attention, even partially obscured she could see a teething ring and rattle that were only partially out of frame. Her breath caught in her throat as she checked to make sure that Lou was still out. A soft snore reassured her that the coast was clear and she gingerly lifted the standard plastic frame to get a better view.

 

In the photo were a toddler and an infant, posed on an upholstered sofa. Tammy guessed the elder was probably about two, and the baby probably about 9 months. The older child was a girl, the spitting image of Lou, and the younger child’s gender was unclear. The girl was wearing green corduroy overalls, her short hair swept into tiny pigtails. She had her tiny arms wrapped around the baby, lips puckered to give a sloppy wet toddler kiss.

 

“What are you doing?” Lou’s voice boomed, louder than she’d intended. Her heart was beating so loud in her chest she had no concept of volume. She was visibly agitated, her fingers trembling as she spun her lighter. Tammy, startled, fumbled to put the photo back. Tammy turned and the two looked at each other, both with tears in their eyes.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t…” Tammy’s voice trailed off as she realized she had no idea what she was trying to say. Lou’s breathing had become labored, shallow. Tammy was quickly at her side, rubbing her back gently. “Hey, it’s ok. Deep breaths. You’re ok.”

 

Lou struggled to regain her composure, avoiding Tammy’s heartbreakingly empathetic gaze. Finally, setting her jaw, Lou drew in seemingly endless breath, letting it out slowly through her nose. She clicked her teeth together a couple times.

 

“I don’t need your pity,” Lou rasped.

Tammy closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose, then moved her thumb and massaged the orbit of one eye. She was clearly tired, exhausted even. She fixed her gaze in the direction of the photos without actually looking at anything and sighed heavily.

 

“Stop being an ass,” Tammy muttered. Lou had never heard Tammy take this tone with anyone but Debbie. It was firm, angry, and impatient. Tammy never really yelled, she would just lose her patience and call out bullshit at every turn until she could piece together enough of the truth to demand the full story. Debbie had cited Tammy’s refusal to fight as one of the reasons they were incompatible, but in this moment Lou suspected it was because Tammy never let her get away with anything.

 

Both women sat silently, not saying anything for a long time. Tammy was waiting Lou out, the same as she would’ve done with Debbie. Lou didn’t even know where or how to start talking about any of this. Tammy, sensing this, lightly placed a hand on an unbruised part of Lou’s forearm, giving it a gentle squeeze. 

 

“Does anyone else know?” Lou laughs drily.

 

“Anyone else who? You’re my only friend, remember?” Tammy rolled her eyes. “I know what you’re asking and as far as I know, Debs doesn’t know anything about my life in Australia.” Tammy nods.

 

“So…this photo is actually as old as it looks, then?” Lou closes her eyes and sighs.

 

“Yeah…Dana’d be just about 30 now…God…when did I get this fucking old?” Lou tries to crack a smile but she just looks overwhelmed. She sits with her head slightly bowed down, eyes closed, breathing deeply and evenly for a long moment. Tammy is starting to wonder if Lou’s fallen asleep when she opens her eyes slowly. She looks at Tammy out of the corner of her eye, not moving her head from where it rests against the headboard.

 

“Tam, why’d you come? And why haven’t you gone?” Lou’s accent was more pronounced now than usual.

 

“Because you’re family. And you needed me. And…also because you know Debbie would murder me if something bad happened to you and I could’ve stopped it.”

 

Lou laughed, loosening up slightly.

 

“The fucking Oceans. Dictating our actions without even being around.”

 

“True…but isn’t this better than being alone?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was textually pretty dense, so I'll try to work on fixing that going forward! Also, not giving Jess a real voice was definitely a choice I made, hopefully it wasn't too weird. The pacing might be a little odd, too, but I did my best. lmk what you liked/didn't like about this, feedback is important!


	3. Dance Academy Dropout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tammy and Lou fall into a friendly rhythm, and Lou starts to open up a bit more about her deep past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long to post! Work has been taking up most of my waking hours. This is a deep dive into the past- hoping to finish up this chunk of Lou's life in the next chapter and start moving back forward again. Let me know what you think of the chapter in the comments!

Tammy and Lou had fallen into a comfortable silence as they folded the rest of the seemingly endless laundry that Tammy had been tending to throughout the day. Lou had dozed off while Tammy was folding, then insisted Tammy take a nap. She clearly hadn’t slept enough since this whole incident began.

 

Tammy’s “nap” lasted about five hours. Lou was glad for brief independence, despite her difficulty getting around. She could manage to hobble to the front door, and the bathroom, at least. Which meant she could manage ordering a few essentials online from a convenience store, accept them, and sink into a deeply needed bubble bath, resting her injured foot on the side of the claw foot tub.

 

Lou was still in the bathtub when Tammy shuffled in, bleary eyed, hair ever so slightly disheveled. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes as a toddler might. Lou smiled seeing the younger woman in a more relaxed state.

 

“Hey sleepyhead.” Tammy jumped slightly despite having been fully aware Lou was in the tub. The studio was tiny, and Lou hadn’t shut the door. Lou didn’t really tend to have boundaries where nudity was concerned. Lou chuckled at Tammy’s disorientation and snapped the nicotine gum in her mouth.

 

“God, I’m so sorry I was out for so long.”

 

“I’m not. You needed it. And so did that peanut,” Lou said, vaguely gesturing toward her belly.

 

Tammy blushed deeply.

 

“I uh…I’m sorry.” Lou’s brow furrowed.

 

“Sorry for…?”

 

“I don’t know…snooping…bringing up…you know.” Lou waved her off.

 

“I should be apologizing. I was an ass, as you said. And it’s…kind of nice having someone to talk to…” Tammy thought she detected a faint blush creep over Lou’s cheeks. There was a soft quality to Lou’s despair now, though the surface had been cracked since Tammy arrived. But the sharp edge Tammy had encountered when she saw the photo had dissolved into something different.

 

It was as though the acknowledgement of Lou’s children by someone from her new life drew into question which of Lou’s lives was the real one. Until this moment, it seemed, she’d come to understand her life in Australia as nothing more than a distant nightmare.

 

Tammy pushed down the lid of the toilet and perched on it, seeming infinitely younger and less secure than she’d been earlier in the day. A switch had flipped, and she had immensely greater respect and reverence for Lou.

 

Lou took in Tammy’s distant, pensive expression.

 

“What are you thinking?” Tammy chewed the inner corner of her lip, eyes flickering briefly to Lou’s before darting back towards the corner of the tiled floor. Her first instinct was to redirect the conversation out of politeness, but as she met Lou’s eyes, she faltered. The blue orbs reflected a strangely captivating curiosity, and Tammy couldn’t be sure whether it was Lou’s or her own.

 

For a wordless, almost breathless moment, the two remained in an intent stare that to an objective observer surely would have seemed either a silent stand-off or intimate exchange between lovers. In truth, it was awkward how easily they’d fallen into such an intimate gaze. Lou looked to Tammy, expectant, longing for something to tether her to the world; Tammy, in return, seeking permission to tread on delicate foreign terrain. There was a mutual uncertainty that could not be resolved in the absence of language, not with each other, not yet. _Not without Debbie_.

 

Tammy was the first to blink and subsequently lowered her eyes. Her deeply engrained sense of politeness and compulsive eagerness to accommodate and confirm consent in all matters got the better of her. Cautiously, she continued, but without a hint of pretense or false courtesy. She had never been more earnest in her life.

 

“I want to ask you things…but I’m…I’m not sure that you want that.”

 

“Ask me things…please.”

 

“Did you…want to have children?” Tammy was trying to tread lightly but was deeply curious.

 

“I never really had the chance to consider it as an abstract concept. I guess as a tike I thought I did. Not sure that means anything, though.”

 

“Did you later? Want to?”

 

Lou paused. She considered her words as the pulled the stopper from the tub and slid into her deep green terry cloth robe. She gingerly stepped out of the tub onto the small rumpled towel she used as a bath mat, leaning against the sink to keep her weight off her injured foot.

 

“I can’t.” Tammy was taken aback by Lou’s candor.

 

“Oh…I’m so sorry…that was…” Lou waved her hand to silence Tammy.

 

“It’s ok. It’s not what you asked,” Lou said firmly. She winced as she tried to make her way towards the bedroom, the movement jolting her back into her body and the aftermath of the bar brawl. Despite this, there was a new sort of openness to Lou’s demeanor. Tammy couldn’t decipher the shift in Lou’s mood, but was grateful for the proffered information, which she sensed didn’t come easily despite the casual tone of its delivery. Lou paused in the doorway, beckoning for Tammy to accompany her.

 

Lou still looked ethereal, despite the physical and emotional vulnerability of her present state. Her head was cast slightly back and her jaw set slightly off to the side. The corners of her mouth tugged downward. She fussed with the tie on her robe, which wasn't actually tied, in the way of someone accustomed to having their fingers otherwise occupied. Her index and middle fingers ghosted against each other, as though unable to comprehend the absence of a cigarette between them. Her eyes flickered toward a bottle of whiskey on the sink, then quickly back towards Tammy.

 

She looked tired. Now, with a clean face, it was clear the pits beneath her eyes hadn’t merely been remnants of yesterday’s makeup. Even her skin looked tired- ordinarily gentle laugh lines and crow’s feet seemed impossibly deeper in this moment. Despite all of this, and her near ghostly pallor, there was a faint pink to her cheeks, the tip of her nose, prickling her chest…Tammy made a point of lifting her gaze, blushing slightly herself. There was a slight sparkle to Lou’s eyes beyond the faint glistening of unshed tears.

 

After studying Lou’s face for a long moment, the way the light diffused through the blue and green silk scarves haphazardly hung over the window (to provide the semblance of privacy) glanced off the sharp lines of her face, ever so slightly muting the shades of bruising, Tammy decided to press gently on.

 

“Will you tell me how it happened?”

 

“I’ll try. I’m sure it’s not as scandalous as you’re imagining. In fact, we’ve probably more in common than you realize.” Lou chuckled. Tammy raised her eyebrows, intrigued.

 

\--

Lou was sprawled across the black satin drenched bed in her dorm room at the academy. A stuffed zebra lay in a similar sprawled position across her pillow. Her half of the shared room was bathed in black and rich jewel tones. Over the wall, she’d draped a large multicolored mandala tapestry. Her father traveled a lot on business, frequently to India, and this was one of the better gifts he’d given her. Strewn about were all manner of ribbons, bobby pins, leotards and tights, cotton balls, gauze, and ace bandages. Her entire desk was covered with haphazardly closed makeup containers and hair products. Multiple pairs of pointe shoes dangled over the back of the desk chair. On the floor were a skimpy forest green sequined dress and gold platform boots she’d discarded upon sneaking back in after a date a few nights before.

 

Lou dangled her head of the edge of the bed to re-secure her extremely long locks into an immaculate bun, using a record number of bobby pins in the process. At the moment she was wearing only tights and a bralette, seeming entirely unconcerned with getting ready for the impending performance. She was the principal, again, and they were due to the stage in about an hour and a half.

 

Her roommate, Priscilla, sat at her desk chair on her pristine side of the room, which Lou affectionately called the “Easter Egg,” with perfect posture. She was carefully, painstakingly applying her swan makeup.  Lou was watching her, amused.

 

“Don’t fuck it up,” she teased. She was paid back for the comment by a hairbrush to the shoulder.

 

“Shut up, Lulu, we can’t all be as perfect as you are and do perfect makeup in twenty minutes. You don’t even _want_ the solos and you get them.” Lou shrugged.

 

“It’s a curse, really.” Her tone was joking, but even her eyes were frowning.  Priscilla sighed.

 

“I know, everything is _so_ hard for you. You can even do the boys’ solos in your sleep!”

 

Lou was about to retort when, instead, she got up abruptly and ran to the bathroom. Vomiting itself wouldn’t have been alarming in the context of a hyper-competitive dance academy, but the speed of her departure, coupled with Lou’s general nonchalance regarding her weight made this unusual. Fortunately, the dorms for upperclassmen had en suite bathrooms, but that didn’t allow Lou to escape from Priscilla’s prying eyes. At least the two had requested to room together.

 

Priscilla crossed the room quickly and rubbed soothing circles on Lou’s back. After several minutes, Lou slid down to the floor. Her body was bathed in sweat, and her stray baby hairs were plastered against her forehead and the nape of her neck. She raised her bloodshot eyes to her friend’s questioning gaze.

 

“Pris…” Her voice trailed off, her resolve faltering.

 

“You didn’t go, did you?” Lou turned crimson, shrinking into herself uncharacteristically. She shook her head.

 

“Damnit, Lulu…” Priscilla’s tone was soft, despite her evident frustration. She set beside Lou and pulled her head into her lap.

 

“I thought I could do it, I really did…but…it’s got a nose and eyelids already,” she sobbed, as though she’d never previously considered these facts.

 

“Oh, honey…” A heavy silence descended over the pair.

 

“I’m going to get kicked out. And then my dad’s going to kick me out. What do I do?”

 

“I don’t know, but…the show must go on? You’re not kicked out yet so long as you get out there, then we’ll figure something out. Think you’ll make it through?”

 

Lou sighed, nodding.

 

“I’m so fucking tired of Swan Lake,” Lou huffed. Priscilla laughed, hugging Lou tightly.

\--

 

Lou performed the ballet flawlessly as she had every time before, but the Black Swan this time was perfectly tempestuous, raw and emotional, in a way that was rarely embodied by any dancer, let alone a sixteen-year-old. There was a depth to the performance that left the audience stunned, and a distressingly frantic quality, too. The instructors must have thought, perhaps, that Lou was finally committing to her work, rather than a last hurrah before relinquishing the principal roles she’d never thought she wanted. Simply having sex was grounds for expulsion and having a baby would take her out of the game for too long to maintain her position. This year was crucial for recruitment by a company. And even as young as she was, Lou sensed that her despair at having to leave the academy was more rooted in the fact that ballet was all she’d known since she was three years old than the result of an actual desire to be a ballerina professionally.

 

\--

 

“Tallulah Elise Heart, please report to the headmistress’s office immediately.”

 

Lou froze where she stood at the barre, mid-stretch. The other girls in the room all turned to stare at her as she retracted to a normal standing position. She’d known she’d get found out eventually, but she’d thought there were a few weeks left.

 

The headmistress sat perfectly straight behind her desk. Everything about her appearance was severe, including her tight bun and angular features. She looked like she believed she’d once been beautiful but no longer felt her appearance contained any positive attributes, like she’d resigned herself to being matronly.

 

“We’ve received multiple reports that you’ve participated in perverse sexual behavior in violation of Article 40 of the student handbook. The Board, as you are aware, will not tolerate this sort of degeneracy amongst the pupils. Should you choose to contest these allegations, the school will conduct an investigation. Otherwise, I am giving you the opportunity to voluntarily leave the program with no reference to the allegations in your file. You have until the end of the week to decide. You are dismissed."

 

Lou simply blinked in the direction of the door for a moment, willing tears not to fall. _Degeneracy? What does she even mean? What reports? She must know I’m knocked up…the girls must’ve figured it out._ She ran out of the office in a daze, directly back to her dorm. Her mind was racing, and all she knew was she wanted to leave as quickly as possible. She didn’t want to face her classmates judging faces as she left campus in shame.

 

She threw her few belongings unrelated to ballet (including Ziggy the Zebra) into her worn canvas duffel and slipped out the window without a word. Everyone else was in class anyway. She hadn’t expected to leave so soon, but now was just as good a time as any. Priscilla would understand, she was sure. She left a brief note on Priscilla’s pillow for good measure:

 

_Guess I’m out of here. Come round John’s house, yeah? I’m terrible with good-byes._

_xoxo Lulu_

 

Lou went to her boyfriend’s house. She threw pebbles at his window until he came out.

 

Johnny Miller was 18. He worked at a dive bar, but made decent money doing it. Lou had bummed a smoke off him outside the bar, which was only a few blocks from the school. He had good taste in music, and they had the same punk fashion sensibilities. Lou couldn’t see it herself, but they looked very similar- sharp cheekbones, strong jawlines, same eyeliner and black nail polish. He had bigger, rounder, hazel eyes, an olive complexion, sun-kissed dark hair. He was beautiful, muscular, an amateur surfer. He was the only guy Lou had ever been interested in. And he had his own house.

 

When he emerged from the front door, he was wearing only a pair of royal blue boxers. His eyes were clouded with sleep, but he looked deeply concerned. He moved quickly to Lou.

 

“Babe, what’s wrong?” He took in her unfortunate appearance: her mascara streaked face, her tears, the bag. He kissed her gently and laced their fingers together, leading her into the house.

 

“I didn’t even tell them,” Lou’s voice cracked as she tried to stifle a sob, “I didn’t know where else to go.”

 

Johnny squeezed her hand.

 

“It’ll be ok. We’ll figure it out.”

 

“I’m so sorry,” she choked out, shame flooding her body, “I’m so sorry I did this to you.”

 

“Hey…” he wiped her tears away, “you didn’t do this to me. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

 

\--

 

Johnny and Lou were married at the courthouse two months before Dana was due. Lou’s father granted permission for the marriage and sent his regards as he was, allegedly, unable to extricate himself from business in Russia to attend. The upcoming childbirth compelled the judge to allow the marriage despite Lou being only 16. Only Johnny’s mother and Priscilla were in attendance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Sorry not sorry I put a shameless Carol reference in there)
> 
> (May revise for errors if there's anything when I have a chance to look this over, just wanted to give y'all content)


	4. Lovers and Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delving deeper into Lou's past reveals parallels to Tammy's more recent history. Tammy's story starts to peek out around the edges of Lou's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this story started telling itself and I had no say in the matter. Please lmk what you think in the comments- I'm feeling a bit uncertain as to whether I've gotten off track! I really hope you like it.

Tammy sat straight-legged against the headboard, Lou’s head cradled in her lap. Tammy’s blunt fingernails absently stroked Lou’s scalp. Lou had traded her robe for a black bralette and boy shorts under a slightly loose, semi-transparent burgundy tank top; Tammy had finally managed to put her own, now clean, clothes back on. Neither woman was sure when they’d entered this new realm of physical intimacy, but there had been no awkward stiffness, no trace of hesitancy.

 

-

 

The air in the apartment felt a bit lighter than it had since Tammy had arrived. Over the course of recounting her experience leaving the Academy, Tammy could sense that Lou was rapidly approaching her storytelling limit for the moment. The older woman had grown somewhat restless, her replies to Tammy’s inquiries increasingly curt. Tammy had excused herself to the bathroom for what felt like the 100th time that day, although this time more to provide Lou a respite and opportunity to change course. (She did also kind of have to pee).

 

Lou was looking warmly at the lock screen on Tammy’s phone when she returned. The photo was a candid shot of Derek attempting to blow bubbles in the backyard, although the image was partially obscured by the clock and a couple of random insignificant notifications that Tammy had been ignoring.

 

“You’ve missed a call from Nevada,” Lou said plainly, feeling the need to explain why she was craning her neck to look at Tammy’s phone on the other side of the bed.

 

Tammy her shrugged it off and hoped she was effectively selling a cool, collected demeanor as she furiously shot off a quick text message and cleared her notifications tray.

 

“Do…you want to see pictures of him?” Tammy asked. She seemed somewhat shy about the prospect, as though she half expected Lou to scoff at the suggestion despite her apparent interest. Lou grinned, her usual charismatic spark seeming to light at the suggestion.

 

“Well, obviously,” she responded, grateful for the distraction but also legitimately eager. Lou hadn’t had a stable mailing address or phone number in the years since they’d fallen out of touch, and certainly was not about to use social media anytime soon. However, as a result, this brief glimpse of a lock screen was the only frame of reference that she had for little Derek.

 

Once Tammy had settled, Lou rested her head against Tammy’s shoulder to, Tammy assumed, get a better look at what Tammy was showing her. Tammy being Tammy, she had approximately five hundred photos easily accessible (not to mention the overflow in cloud storage that she refrained from subjecting Lou to), spanning from the day Derek was born all the way through to the moment he sleepily scampered into his aunt’s arms in the early hours of the morning.

 

As Tammy locked her phone and set it down beside her, having exhausted the impressive array of photos of Derek, Lou rolled her head to the side to look up at Tammy. (To be honest, she’d been stealing glances throughout the photo presentation, as well, but she wouldn’t admit to it.) She traced her fingers over Tammy’s jawline playfully. “You’re glowing, you know. And the way your eyes light up when you talk about him…you seem happy.”

 

“I am,” Tammy said softly, blushing, almost apologetic. Lou pulled herself up into a sitting position, propping her foot up on a pillow.

 

“I’m sorry I pulled you away from him.”

 

Tammy exhaled heavily and reached for Lou’s hand, which she found palm-up. She traced gentle circles over Lou’s palm.

 

“Don’t do that,” Tammy replied tersely, growing irritated with Lou’s all too frequent apologies.

 

“What?” Lou was taken aback by the return of _the Debbie tone_. If Lou were the type of person to admit to being soft and sentimental, she would have supposed that this meant they were nearing best friend status. But she definitely did not entertain such thoughts, intentionally anyway. She was terrible at having best friends, it always lead to complications and heartache.

 

“Don’t act like you’re a burden. I _want_ to be here,” Tammy reassured, softening.

 

“Even if, as you say, you wanted to be here…aren’t I quite literally burdening you? I mean you’ve practically carried me, more than once.”

 

Tammy smacked Lou’s arm.

 

“Nitwit,” she teased. But Lou’s mood remained.

 

“You don’t have to stay, you know. I’ll be okay.” Her voice sounded steady, certain. However, the way the pads of Lou’s fingers (or, alternately, her fingernails every fourth pass) dug into her collarbone, slowly and hard enough to leave marks, didn’t give Tammy much confidence.

 

Tammy crossed her legs and turned to face Lou, sliding closer to her. She took Lou’s hands in her own, squeezing them. She waited to catch Lou’s eye before speaking.

 

“I appreciate you saying that, but I’m not sure I believe you just yet.” Lou slumped against the headboard, nodding. Her hands trembled slightly in Tammy’s.  

 

“So…what happened with Priscilla? Did you end up seeing her again?”

 

\--

 

Priscilla took her sweet time before finally coming to visit. She probably had a good reason, security was probably heightened or something. Probably Lou’s sudden departure had sent the school into a tizzy. It was no secret that despite her bad attitude, Lou was known to be the best in her class. Well, at least since Suzanna had torn her ACL the previous year.

 

It took just over a month before Priscilla came by, at which point Lou had a pronounced baby bump that was not masked in the slightest by a heather grey ribbed tank top and pair of navy men’s mesh athletic shorts (Johnny’s), the waistband of which hugged her still-prominent hipbones tightly. Lou called out miserably from the couch for her friend to let herself in. The house had the feel of an earnest bachelor pad aspiring to be a true home. There was a half-finished crib visible in a formerly spare bedroom just off the living room, as well as a fully assembled changing table. The room was papered with an awkwardly elegant sage and cream jacquard print, which had gone a bit yellow and grey-black at the edges, presumably a combination of age and cigarette smoke.

 

The upholstered couch across which Lou was sprawled was nothing notable, a drab grey-tan with tiny dashes of primary colors- the kind of pattern one might expect to find on a bus seat. The rest of the house was sparsely furnished. The table in the dining room was a shabbily maintained antique made from a now unidentifiable dark wood, unquestionably Lou’s find. The three chairs there are similar in color, the seats reupholstered with leopard-printed velvet. The kitchen table, by contrast, is a folding metal card table topped with black-and-white checked vinyl, complete with matching chairs. The master bedroom contains nothing more than a bed, garment rack, and surfboard.

 

Priscilla settled on the other available seat in the room, a red beanbag chair, after considering sitting on the coffee table but deciding it was too crumb-covered. She tossed her green stilettos aside, pulling her black cotton wrap dress down over her knees.

 

“So…this is…really happening.” Priscilla’s energy felt tense, uncomfortable. Lou opened her eyes, turning to look at Priscilla for the first time since she’d entered.

 

“It certainly appears that way.”

 

“How…are you feeling?”

 

“Amazing. Can’t you tell?” she responded, drily.

 

“Right.”

 

The air in the room was unnaturally still. Neither girl knew what to say- everything felt different now. Priscilla’s face was pensive as she twirled a long strand of curly auburn hair around her fingers.

 

“What is it Pris?” Lou’s voice pulled her back to reality.

 

“Oh…I just…they’re saying things about you.” Lou rolled her eyes.

 

“I expected as much. I did get knocked up, and everyone there hates me anyway, so-“

 

“No, no. It’s- that’s not what they’re saying.”

 

Lou blinked slowly, baffled.

 

“They’re saying-” Suddenly the headmistress’s words ran through Lou’s head. It was as though she’d heard but hadn’t processed the information until just this moment.

 

“Wait…Pris…what’s Article 40?”

 

“They’re saying you’re a dyke. That… what that is. ‘Homosexual conduct prohibited.’”

 

Lou laughed an awkward, bitter laugh.

 

“I’m sorry, what?” Priscilla nodded.

 

“Rayna’s idea, apparently. Some obscure regulation that hadn’t been enforced in ages.”

 

“Well that’s just a bit fucking ironic, isn’t it?”

 

“Then it’s not true?” Priscilla’s eyebrow is raised slightly, mildly surprised but not judgmental.

 

Lou, still baffled, gestured towards her belly.

 

“What do you figure?” Priscilla rolled her eyes.

 

“I don’t know, Lulu. I’m just…checking.”

 

“Checking?” Priscilla blushed.

 

“Well…she…had a very…detailed account of what happened. So, I just…I mean, I didn’t know if it was true. I mean, I’m not judging you.”

 

“Even assuming I did do whatever she said, that doesn’t mean anything. And furthermore…why wasn’t _she_ expelled?”

 

“Er…well, she’s painting it like you…forced her”

 

“WHAT?” Lou’s face contorted, utterly horrified.

 

“I mean I know _that_ part is a lie,” Priscilla added in a soft, loving manner, “But I mean, we did…you know…” she trailed off, blushing softly. Lou smiled.

 

“We did,” Lou nodded, “but nobody else knows about that, right?” Priscilla shook her head emphatically.

 

“No, of course not! I would never tell, you know that.”

 

“So, what you really want to know is if I fucked Rayna?” Lou teased. Priscilla blushed a deep crimson, picking at her chipped red nail polish.

 

“Asshole. No, I just thought you should know what people are saying. I mean, since you’ll probably see them in town.” Lou raised her eyebrow.

 

“And…?”

 

“Okay, fine, did you?” Priscilla asked, flustered.

 

“Of course not!” Lou laughed, tossing one of two navy throw pillows at her. Priscilla laughed, too, although slightly peeved. She stood up from the bean bag and moved to the couch, tapping her hands under Lou’s calves, which Lou obediently lifted. Priscilla sat, allowing Lou’s legs to fall over her lap. She traced her fingers over Lou’s feet and ankles, thinking. Lou stifled a giggle when Priscilla brushed a particularly sensitive area on the arch of her foot, swatting her hands away. After a beat, moved her hands to massage Lou’s calves. The difference in muscle tone was substantial, but the possibility of a softer Lou was somehow equally captivating.

 

“Are you in love with him?” Priscilla inquired, feigning emotional disinterest.

 

“What, Johnny?” Lou was equally feigning ignorance, but of what and why she was unsure.

 

Priscilla nodded sheepishly, not making eye contact.

 

“I certainly hope so.” It’s intended as a joke, but in truth it hadn’t occurred to Lou to doubt herself until this moment. She’d spent nearly every moment with the girl beside her for years, and she’d never fully appreciated what it would be like not to have that anymore until she’d been living with Johnny for about a week. Still, it wasn’t bad. Everything was fine. He was beautiful, kind, and loving. Lou did love him. But then, what was the difference between “love” and being “in love”? And what kind of question was that to even consider at a time like this?

 

Lou snapped out of her musings when Priscilla traced her fingers up Lou’s leg, brushing the lower part of her thigh, pausing to catch Lou’s gaze.

 

“Pris…”

 

The auburn-haired girl traced her fingers up a few inches higher, Lou’s breath catching in her throat. She put her hand over Priscilla’s stopping its path. Priscilla frowned.

 

“Hey, you said that was a one-time thing,” Lou stated, too calmly, looking too deeply into Priscilla’s gold and emerald flecked brown eyes.

 

“I…I know. I’m sorry…I just…look at you,” Priscilla said, almost whining. She brushed the fingertips of her free hand over Lou’s hip. Lou rolled her eyes.

 

“What, you’re into beached whales now?” Priscilla slapped Lou’s thigh.

 

“I’m serious!” she said, scooting closer to Lou, running her hands softly over her belly reverentially. And then…higher, ghosting fingertips over her cotton-clad breasts. Lou shuddered, losing all will to resist.

 

-

 

“That was the last time,” Lou mumbled into Priscilla’s long hair, “I’m getting married tomorrow.” The two lay in the center of Lou’s bed, naked, glistening, amidst a tangle of bedclothes. Lou lay on her back, Priscilla on her side, curled around the curve of Lou’s now quite massive belly.  Lou’s left thigh was locked between Priscilla’s. Priscilla’s left arm was flung over Lou’s ribcage while her ear was pressed against Lou’s chest, having reveled in the formerly steady sound of her heartbeat.

 

Priscilla planted a couple of sweet kisses against the part Lou’s breast she’d just been using as pillow. She sighed, propping herself up on her elbow.

 

“I know, babe.” Lou rolled onto her side too look Priscilla in the eye, which took some effort. The blonde was visibly anxious, searching for reassurance that she knew she had no right to ask for.

 

“I’m serious this time.”

 

“Lulu, I get it. Don’t worry,” she reassured, scooching back to take Lou’s hands in her own.

 

“You’re still okay with being her godmother, right?” She asked, nervous.

 

“If you go with someone else, I’ll kill you.” Priscilla grinned and planted a chaste kiss on Lou’s lips. “You’re going to be a great mother.”

 

-

 

Tammy, who’d been puttering about the apartment throughout much of Lou’s story, actually unpacking some of Lou’s belongings, sat in front of her, perfectly still.  She seemed stunned.

 

“Oh come on, it’s not that scandalous,” Lou joked, hitting her lightly with a pillow, “I was just a stupid teenager.” Tammy blinked.

 

“No, it’s not that. I just. How did you—”

 

“Marry him?” Lou offered.

 

“No that’s not—I mean, how did you know?”

 

“Know…?” Tammy narrowed her eyes, studying Lou carefully when a sudden realization washed over her, her face burning with embarrassment.

 

“Oh, no, nothing,” she stammered. Lou raised an eyebrow in amusement.

 

“No, tell me.”

 

“It’s nothing.”

 

“I am _literally_ pouring my heart out here. Tell me this _one_ thing, please.”

 

Tammy groaned, not seeing any way out of this.

 

“I was going to ask how you knew that…we had… _that_ much in common.” Her entire face is an impossible crimson, the blush trailing down her neck and chest. Lou blinked.

 

“Wait…are you saying…?” She nodded slowly. Lou’s eyes opened a bit wider. She took a long pull from a whiskey bottle. “Well ain’t that some shit.”

 

“I mean it was never…I mean only when you guys were...off, again.” Lou shrugs.

 

“It wouldn’t strictly matter if we’d been together,” Lou said off-handedly, with a hint of bitterness, rolling her eyes. Tammy blinked, confused, but not daring to go _there_ yet. Before she had a chance to say anything more, her cell phone rang obnoxiously. The two women glanced at each other, tense, before Tammy grabbed her phone and paced towards the window to take the call.

 

Lou had known, of course, about Debbie and Tammy’s history, which Debbie had always insisted had never constituted a _relationship_. But then, it was pretty clear that Debbie Ocean had no concept of what a relationship was. What Lou hadn’t known, until she’d seen the pure terror in the younger woman’s eyes, was that they’d been together since Lou had left. She’d never indicated any such thing during their frantic worrying sessions. On the other hand, it wasn’t like Lou hadn’t known that Tammy was still desperately in love with Debbie.

 

_Why do I feel so betrayed?_

“…Lou?”

 

“Huh? Sorry, what?” Lou shook her head to clear it. Tammy was frazzled, the color had drained somewhat from her face.

 

“I’m so sorry, my son had an accident at daycare…I mean…he got hurt, not…I have to go.”

 

“Of course, go, I’ll be fine.” There was no bitterness in her voice. She was at least 75% sure that she wasn’t mad at Tammy. And being alone would be…fine, right? Lou turned her head, busying herself with liberating a piece of gum from a blister pack and into her mouth, hoping to look more confident and collected than the shattered mirror that she felt like. She absently stroked one of her necklaces out of habit, not presently conscious of the way its razorblade form entirely undercut her attempted reassurances.

 

Tammy had always appreciated Lou’s whole lovechild of Willy Wonka and Joan Jett vibe. The creepy childishness mixed with the whole drugs, sex, and rock and roll thing conveyed more than a tiny spark of danger, which was utterly captivating. But in this moment, she hated that damn razorblade necklace more than she’d ever hated any inanimate object. She gently pulled Lou’s hand away from the necklace and held it between her own.

 

“Come with me?” Tammy was half-momming, half-pleading like a scared child. Her entire body was tense, her breathing slightly more shallow than usual, despite her efforts to stay calm and collected. Lou nodded. Regardless of what she wanted for herself (she wasn’t sure, anyway), she certainly had never intended to put any unnecessary stress on her pregnant friend, which she’d already done in spades. Besides, Lou certainly had experience with injured toddlers…

 

Lou threw random clothes into an old but well-maintained leather backpack, willing her mind to shut up by popping her gum in annoyance. She spread her hands wide against the wall, steadying herself for a moment before twisting around in Tammy’s direction.

 

“Tam?” she asked gently.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Is he okay?”

 

“I don’t know.” Lou hobbled to her, wrapping Tammy tightly in her long arms.

 

“What did they say?” she asked, not letting go.

 

“I heard them say they couldn’t reach my sister, and that he’s at the hospital. After that I kind of…zoned out,” she mumbles into Lou’s chest. Lou pressed a kiss into Tammy’s hair, then smoothed it down.

 

“Okay…now…have you seen my cane?” Lou grins, a flash of her ordinarily charming self peeking out to cut through the tension. Tammy furrowed her brow, pulling back.

 

“You have a _cane_?” Lou laughed, nodding.

 

“It started out as a joke gift,” Lou offered, hobbling towards the radiator, finding the cane underneath, “but then I kept getting hurt.” Tammy shook her head, amused. The cane is, of course, an antique- mahogany, with a gilded lion’s head on top. The eyes are something green and crystalline (definitely emeralds if Debbie happened to be the gift-giver…). It was, like Lou, gorgeous, slightly ridiculous, yet still entirely practical and reliable.  

 

“Why am I not surprised by any of this?” Tammy playfully maintained her serious mom face, but couldn’t keep the corners of her mouth and eyes from turning upward, or a slight sparkle from lighting up her dark eyes. Lou swaggered over and rested and arm across Tammy’s shoulders.

 

“Because, kid, you can see that, at my core, I’m just a clumsy drunken pimp.” Tammy snort-laughed, and it struck Lou just how much gentler the sounded coming from her blond friend than it had from Debbie, how much less maniacal. Lou also observed the way that Tammy blushed as soon as she’s realized what happened. She can’t help but notice every time Tammy blushes, it flows over her whole body. Not only that, but Tammy seems to know this, and rubs her nose and/or her neck as if the gesture will mask her embarrassment. Of course, Lou, being the palest person on earth, is no stranger to a full body blush…but for her it tends to happen under slightly different circumstances… Lou makes a mental note to keep making Tammy laugh, not that it’s hard to do.

 

“Come on, what are we waiting for? Let’s go find your baby.”

 

“Don’t you want…pants for that?” _Ah, fuck._ Now Lou was _definitely_ blushing.

 


	5. Hospitals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lou and Tammy get to the hospital, a bit more on Lou's past/daughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been torturing me for days! It's a lot more dialogue than I usually aim for, but hopefully it still flows/works decently! (I aimed for it to be slightly fragmented by design)

Neither Lou nor Tammy were in any condition to drive, so Lou called a cab while Tammy attempted to reach her husband.

 

“Any luck?”

 

Tammy shook her head, hands trembling as she slid her phone into her purse.

 

“I mean, he is in Germany, I’m not sure what I expected.” Lou wrapped her arm around Tammy’s shoulders, squeezing her reassuringly.

 

“I spoke with the day care attendant. She’s staying with him until we get there, but they won’t give her much information for some reason. Something about paperwork.”

 

\--

 

Lou paced frantically in front of Royal Prince Albert Hospital. Her face was tear-stained and puffy, hands shaking as she took long drags from her cigarette. Johnny came up behind her pushing the pram, squeezing her shoulder. Lou stubbed the cigarette out, tossing it before crumpling into his arms.

 

“I’m so sorry…” she sobbed into his chest.  Johnny stood, stoic, and wrapped his arms around his wife.

 

“You need to stop apologizing so much.” Lou raised her eyes slowly, stepping back just a bit.

 

“How can I?”

 

“There was nothing you could’ve done.” Lou scoffed.

 

“I could’ve not taken her to the fucking beach.” The end of the sentence was half-swallowed by a sob.

 

“Christ, Lou, it could’ve just as easily happened in front of our house! There are cars everywhere. Stop arguing.”

 

“It doesn’t fucking matter anyway, does it?” Her tear-soaked face glistened a sickly, ghostly white, her eyes and nose tinged bright red from crying.

 

“No. I suppose it doesn’t.”

 

\--

 

Tammy ran into the lobby, time seeming to move in slow motion. Lou followed behind more closely than her injured foot would have preferred, but she was certainly an expert at keeping her stride will grinning and bearing it. Ballet, motorcycles, bar brawls, and other extracurricular activities had left her lower body in particular little more than a collection of oddly shaped scars and muscles that never quite seemed to do what they were meant to. (Lou’s strong aversion to doctors and hospitals certainly didn’t help any.) Although in part for the aesthetic, Lou had always tended towards heels because her solution to Achilles tendonitis in her youth had been to ignore it in favor of simply taking the pressure off. After so many years of doing this, the tendons were shortened to the point where even shoeless she tended to walk with her heels elevated. In any event, Lou was tall, dedicated to the aesthetic, and had developed an insanely high pain tolerance, so she maintained her stride, allowing only an intentionally comfortable distance between herself and her distraught friend.

 

It felt to Tammy as though they’d been rushing towards the room for hours, although it had been in reality about five minutes from the moment she entered to building until they were in the doorway. The orderly who led them to the room seemed entirely unconcerned with the situation, although it was still unclear exactly what had happened to the boy.

 

\--

 

Tiny Dana was absolutely dwarfed by the large white hospital bed. The wires, sensors, and monitors made the tiny toddler look even more insubstantial, and Lou didn’t want anything to do with any of this. Although Dana’s skin had recently taken on a faint amber cast, inherited from her father, it now was paler than pale, seemingly whiter than Lou’s. Most of the visible injuries to the toddler were on her back or below the neck, covered by the blanket that had been carefully tucked around her body. Lou could barely focus on the words that the Doctor was saying, although he’d already repeated himself several times.

 

“…Mrs. Miller? Do you understand what I’m telling you?” Under different circumstances, Lou might’ve laughed or screamed. She hated being called Mrs. Miller, something she hadn’t thought of before changing her name. Instead she just shook her head meekly.

 

“Just once more, I’m so sorry.”

 

“Well you know the extent of the injuries, we’ve told you that previously. But what we’re telling you now is that it’s unlikely that your daughter will wake up. We’ve seen no progress over the past weeks, and there’s no way for us to know what her cognitive state would be even if she did wake up.”

 

Lou looked over at Johnny who was sitting in a chair next to Dana. The little girl was his entire world.

 

“So…what are you saying, then?” she asked, turning back to the doctor. “Are you saying there’s…that she’s…” she turned her head abruptly, wiping tears from her eyes.

 

“What I’m saying is that there isn’t much of a chance. You don’t have to take her off of life support, of course. It’s your decision.” The doctor squeezed one of Lou’s shoulders. “I’ll leave you two alone to discuss your options.”

 

Lou sat at the foot of Dana’s bed, which Dana herself was far too small to remotely reach. She turned to face Johnny.

 

“John, what do we do?” Her face was stony, jaw set, willing herself not to cry. Johnny made no such pretenses, allowing the tears to fall freely.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“How long can we keep her like this?”

 

“Are you really going to just give up on her?”

 

“I never said that!”

 

“But you were thinking it.”

 

“Damnit John, I’m not saying or doing anything. What do you want from me?”

 

The two had been incapable of having a conversation since the full severity of the situation had descended upon them. Lou had been mentally checked out nearly every moment that she and her husband shared physical space, which was infrequent given her instinct to run.

 

“Where’s Lucas?”

 

“What?”

 

“Tallulah, where is my fucking son?”

 

“I’m sorry, _your_ son?”

 

“GODDAMNIT, LOU! Where is the baby? Do you even know?”

 

“Of course I know! He’s with Priscilla. Jesus.”

 

“Why are you even here?”

 

Lou stepped back, taking a beat. The rest of the argument had been par for the course, but this question was so vague and out of the blue, her sleep-deprived, stress-addled mind failed to make sense of the words. When she spoke again her voice was soft, on the very edge of breaking.

“Where else would I be?”

 

“With her.” She blinked slowly.

 

“What?”

 

“I’m not an idiot, Lou. I know what’s going on here.”

 

Lou froze, still confused but understanding the implication clearly.

 

“What _exactly_ is it that you _know?_ ” Her eyes and voice were icy, almost defiant.

 

“Oh, cut the shit. You’re in love with her. You always have been.”

 

“Assuming that were true, why would you stay with me?”

 

“The children.”

 

“I thought you loved me?” At that, Johnny scoffed.

 

“ _Loved_ you? What does that have to do with it? Of course I _love_ you, you’re my best friend. But let’s not kid ourselves, _Lulu_. If you hadn’t gotten knocked up, none of this would’ve happened.”

 

“And who the fuck’s fault was that? Mine? I knocked myself up? Ha. You think I would’ve stayed with you if that had been the case?”

 

As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew what she had done. Johnny was right, and she’d entirely undercut her own arguments to the contrary. The two were still, just staring at each other: Lou, entirely surprised at her own words, and Johnny stunned by Lou’s genuine shock.

 

“I’m sorry…I was so sure you were together…”

 

“I…before we were married, a few times. I would never…”

 

“You don’t have to stay, you know.”

 

“Do you want me to leave?” Lou’s voice had softened, she wasn’t fighting anymore. She was legitimately curious, if a bit deflated. Johnny hesitated to answer a beat too long, and the answer was clear.

 

“You’re not happy, but I’d never tell you what to do.”

 

“So you want me to leave but you’re never going to say so because you’re too good of a person.” Nothing about her tone was malicious or cold, rather contemplative. Johnny stood awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

 

“Listen, Lou. We fell into each other. We both knew that you weren’t sure about what you wanted, that we were experimenting together. And then…she happened.” His voice was soft as he lovingly regarded his baby girl. “We were kids. We did the best we could. But these past years…you’ve been miserable. Lucas made things better for a while, at least that’s what you said…I just feel like you’re fading away. I don’t want that for either of us. You’re still my best friend, you know.”

 

Lou nodded, speechless. She moved to stroke her daughter’s hair, tears clouding her vision. Her shoulders shook in silent sobs as she gently took a tiny hand in her own.

 

“What about Lucas?”

 

“Whatever you want, we’ll figure it out.”

 

“Do you really believe it wasn’t my fault?”

 

“The accident? Of course. It was some asshole driving under the influence.”

 

“Do you think I’m a bad mother?”

 

“You’re a great mother…I just think…you…maybe you aren’t ready.”

 

“Are you? Ready?”

 

“To be a father? I…yeah. I think I actually am. Is that crazy?”

 

Lou laughed, finally making eye contact with him.

 

“We’ve been parents for years, I would hope at least one of us would be.”

 

Johnny moved to Lou. He took her into his arms, and the both leaned into each other for strength, both for the conversation and the situation at hand. He drew back a few inches to look her in the eye.

 

“Seriously, though. I can handle this, even if you can’t.” He gave her a quick squeeze before drawing back. She caught his hands as they were about to pass her hips.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

\--

 

Derek looked dazed and a bit pale, and there was a bandage wrapped around his head. Tammy was instantly at his side, while Lou lingered in the doorway. The doctor didn’t question the relationship between the women. Tammy quickly thanked the day care attendant before turning her attention quickly to grilling the doctor.

 

“Mrs…er...Smith, your son has a severe concussion. He also needed a couple of stitches on his forehead- it seems he tripped and hit his head on the playground. We’d like to keep him here for a few days of observation. He will probably be just fine, but we’d just like to keep an eye on him to rule out any potential hidden complications.”

 

Lou stepped just a little further into the room and leaned up against the door frame, resting her injured foot in front of her on the heel of a triple-buckled crimson velvet pointed western boot. Tammy had been able to convince her to wear only 2 ½ inch heels rather than her standard 4-5. Lou leaned heavily on the cane and the wall, trying not to draw any attention to herself, which was difficult considering that her boots matched her blazer, and anyone in that much red velvet was bound to catch a few eyes. On top of which, it was Lou. Tammy had to stifle a laugh, despite herself, watching Lou try to make herself small. It was a good thing that Tammy could multitask so effectively- although her eyes never left Lou, she didn’t miss a word of the doctor’s explanation and followed up on every detail without missing a beat.

 

Once the doctor left, Lou stepped out of the room to give Tammy a few moments alone with Derek, unprompted. About 20 minutes later, after Derek was fully entranced in a cartoon, Tammy poked her head out to find Lou. She’d assumed Lou would be waiting somewhere nearby, maybe the waiting area, but the tall blonde was nowhere to be found. That really didn’t add up, Lou was nothing if not reliable.

 

Tammy knew it was irrational to panic after such a short while, after all, Lou had probably just gone to the bathroom, or to get a coffee. Nonetheless, Tammy could feel her pulse rising as she scanned the floor for any sign of Lou.

 

She dialed Lou’s number, and as the phone rang, scanned the area one last time. Which was when she caught a glimpse of Lou’s crimson-clad watch-bearing arm through the blinds of an exam room window. She hung up the phone, sighing in relief, and walked towards the open door. Lou looked up, grinning somewhat slyly as she always seemed to.

 

A rather attractive female doctor was bandaging Lou’s ankle, not that Tammy was looking. It was really none of Tammy’s concern who Lou chose to interact with or why. One thing she did know was that Lou hated going to the doctor more than anything, so it stood to reason that she must have an ulterior motive for having her injuries tended to, right? Nonetheless, Tammy supposed she couldn’t be angry that her friend was actually having her injuries tended to, regardless of the motivation.

 

“I was starting to think you bailed on me,” Tammy said, in an almost teasing tone. There was a lingering trace of anxiety across her features which Lou attributed to the little boy’s head injury.

 

“I wouldn’t get far in this condition,” Lou replied, eyes twinkling. They both knew that Lou could’ve been gone without a trace if that had been her objective. Tammy broke eye contact abruptly and rubbed the back of her neck. She paced along the wall farthest from Lou, under the TV which was rigged to the ceiling. “Tam, you know I’m kidding, right?”

 

The younger woman nodded, playing with her fingers. She’d become deeply invested in her fingernails and was biting the inner corner of her lip. Lou sat up, waving the doctor away.

 

“Tammy, talk to me. What’s going on? Did something happen?”

 

Tammy shook her head silently. Tears started to stream from her eyes and her shoulders tensed as she turned to face the window. Lou made her way over to Tammy and put a hand on her shoulder, her other hand bracing against the wall. She rubbed Tammy’s shoulder firmly but gently.

 

“Hey, it’s ok. Breathe.” Tammy turned into Lou, clinging to her shoulders, nearly sending her off balance. Lou winced, aggressively maintaining her balance despite the sharp pain shooting up her leg. Tammy’s eyes were wide, frantic. She was trying to will her lungs to expand to no avail. Lou shifted the pair slightly, rotating to lean herself up against the wall. She wrapped her long arms loosely around Tammy but maintained a steady pressure as she ran her hands up and down Tammy’s back. Tammy’s entire body was trembling.

 

“What can I do?” Lou asked, softly. Tammy shook her head, unable to form words. “Do you trust me?” Tammy nodded, catching Lou’s gaze.

 

Lou pulled the younger woman as close as humanly possible, pressing their chests together. She took long, deep, exaggerated breaths, the inflation of her lungs pressing their bodies closer.

 

“Breathe with me, Tam. I’ve got you. You’re ok.”

 

Lou realized, belatedly, that she was taking a risk, that this might make the situation worse, but she was never one to stand idly by. Her conduct felt, inexplicably, in this moment, entirely natural.

 

The risk did, in fact, pay off. Whether by comfort or physical force, Tammy spluttered a bit before gasping air in and fighting to mirror Lou’s pattern of deep breathing. It took a few minutes, but she got there. Tammy rested her now sweat-beaded forehead against Lou’s shoulder briefly, steadying herself, before pushing gently back from the strong, assertively caring arms enfolding her.

 

“I’m sorry,” Tammy meekly offered, grabbing a tissue and dabbing at the stray mascara under her eyes.

 

“Don’t be. Do you need anything?”

 

“No…just, maybe don’t wander off on me again?” There was an insecurity clouding her deep, chocolate brown eyes, despite the hint of a smile playing at their corners.

 

Lou smiled warmly.

 

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please leave a comment if you're able! I'm super nervous about this installment (more than usual, anyway).


	6. Derek, Dinos, Daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Domestic Tammy and Lou, a bit more into Tammy's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry sorry for the delay. Please comment, and hopefully more to come soon!

Lou had left Australia without a trace. She’d left without saying good-bye to her husband or her son. John had been at the hospital, Lucas at Priscilla’s, as usual. Of course, she’d told Priscilla she was leaving, but hadn’t mentioned where she was off to. They’d had one last, strange, bittersweet evening together, achingly beautiful. She’d had divorce papers served on Johnny, which he did not hesitate in signing. They understood that their arrangement wasn’t going to work any longer. There was no blame to be placed.

She knew that if she tried to say good-bye to Lucas, she’d never be able to follow through on her plan. She’d wanted, selfishly, to take him with her, but she also knew there was no way that she’d be able to manage single motherhood. She could barely manage motherhood at all.

Still, it haunted her. Nearly every day of her life. Sure, there were times when the ache mostly faded, like when she and Debbie had been in their prime, but mostly it was always there. When things with Debbie were bad, though, all of the pain compounded. Those were days when she couldn’t get out of bed, or worse- she did and ended up passed out in a shitty bar.

\--

None of the feared complications plagued little Derek, and Tammy was able to take him home. Lou was, of course, still along for the ride, and Tammy’s husband still MIA. There had been no indication that he had even received Tammy’s message.

\--

Lou was sprawled across the primary-colored puzzle-printed play mat in Derek’s room as she and the small boy very earnestly tried to determine whether a Stegosaurus or Thomas the Tank Engine would win in a fight. There were toys strewn everywhere across the room, everything seemingly overturned. Tammy would have been furious if her husband had been responsible for this, but for some reason with Lou it was incredibly endearing. She watched from just beyond the doorway, a laundry basket resting against her hip, smiling warmly.

Lou, whose character in the scenario was of course the dinosaur, was making it roar and try to overturn the train with the spikes on its back when she heard a sharp intake of breath from the hallway. The basket clattered to the floor, clothes scattering. Lou was instantly on her feet.

“Tammy? You okay?” By the time Lou made it to her side, Tammy was bracing against the wall, her face contorted. “What’s the matter, love? Is it the baby? Is something wrong?”

Tammy grimaced, not saying a word, merely whimpering in response.

Lou placed her hands on Tammy’s tense shoulders gently. The tension seemed to ease at the contact, though not fully. Lou gently guided Tammy so that she turned to face her.

“Tam, what hurts?”

“It’s okay. It passed. I just. I get that way sometimes. I’m sorry.”

“That way? What does that mean?” Tammy shrugged, feigning nonchalance.

“I just forget how to breathe sometimes. It’s not a big deal.”  
  
Lou took a step back, her fingertips trailing from Tammy’s shoulders to her forearms. Lou’s eyes widened, and she cocked an eyebrow, skeptical.

“Sure, it’s not big deal, just a basic function essential for survival,” she snarked. Tammy sighed, exasperated.

“It’s not a big deal because it always resolves itself.”

“Riiight.”

Tammy grumbled and knelt down to put the clothes back in the basket.

“Just leave it, Lou. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Why?”

“Lou. Stop.”

“No.”

“Goddamnit, Lou! You are impossible. It’s really no wonder I’m your only contact.” Tammy tried to stop her hands from shaking as she re-folded the clothes, but she was doing a poor job of the task. Her usual immaculate creasing and precision were nowhere to be found as the clothes refused to cooperate with her impatient ministrations.

“What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t push?” She waggled her eyebrows in an attempt to diffuse the tension. “You would never let me get away with that.”

Tammy sighed. Lou held a hand out to Tammy, who had finally corralled all of the loose garments into the basket. Tammy accepted the gesture, although vigilant of putting too much of her weight against Lou, lest they both topple over.

Lou settled in the rocking chair in the corner of Derek’s room as Tammy fussed with putting away his clothes.

“What happened just now?” Lou inquired cautiously.

“It just…happens sometimes. I don’t know. I guess it has something to do with my husband. When I think about him…sometimes it just happens.” She’s still half-heartedly trying to brush of the conversation, but the way her soft voice falters, the way she hesitates between words indicates that she’s choosing her words thoughtfully, that part of her wants to talk this through.

“Any particular reason?”

“None that I can really put my finger on…”

“Has he ever…?”

Tammy looks at Lou puzzled.

“Has he ever what?”

“I don’t know, has he ever hurt you? Physically, I mean?”

Tammy shakes her head.

“Not really, no. No more than I’ve hurt him, anyway.”

Lou rolls her eyes.

“Okayyy…”

“I don’t know, Lou. I don’t know. I think…maybe it’s not really about him.”

“Meaning…?”

“Meaning it’s not so much anything he’s doing wrong. I just…I don’t know. I feel stuck.”

“Stuck how?”

“I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea…it seemed like the thing to do, you know? Get married, move to the suburbs…have kids…” Lou nodded.

“Did you not want to? Or is this a recent development?”

Tammy sighed, rolling her eyes, and dropped to the floor, legs crossed.

“Well…it’s complicated. I don’t know. We have this arrangement…”

Lou raised her eyebrows, more surprised than she should have been in retrospect.

“Arrangement.” She said the word like a statement, but several questions were clearly implied.

“Did you really think I would have…you know…with Debbie behind his back?” Lou shrugged.

“It’s not like I’d judge you for it.”

“I know, but I’m just saying. I think you know me well enough to know that’s not something…I wouldn’t do that.”

“Fair enough.” Lou paused for a moment, stretching her arms above her head before dropping them down. “So what are the…terms of this arrangement?”

Tammy cracked her knuckles, then rubbed them absently.

“It used to be more formal, I suppose. At some point I think we both decided we…didn’t really care. I mean from the start, it was supposed to be just…you know, flings. But we’d live together, I don’t know. Like an 80/20 split, I guess. I don’t know why I thought that would work.” She laughed bitterly. “Anyway, he only comes home a few weeks out of the year, and I’m okay with that. I don’t know. We’ve agreed to see other people, and to, you know, let the other know if things get serious…that’s pretty much it.”

Lou nodded slowly, taking it all in.

“So, why did you do it in the first place?”

“I told you. Because it seemed like the thing to do. It just seemed easier. It’s not like I’ve ever really…” her voice trailed off.

“You’ve never really what?” Tammy blushed, moving to stand.

“I don’t know…just…been in love. I mean…like, in a relationship…something mutual. That’s not…I don’t know. It’s fine. I’m not sure that even happens for anyone, anyway. I just knew I wanted kids, and I knew…or I don’t know, I thought that I needed a husband for that. For stability. And just…I don’t know. It just seemed easier at the time.”

“And now it doesn’t?”

“Not really, no. I didn’t think I’d be doing this on my own. If I’d known that...I don’t know, I mean, it’s fine.”

“No, what were you going to say?”

“It’s not. Just, I don’t know, money wasn’t I wanted out of this, and it’s the only thing that I’m getting from this. It’s not worth it.”

“Why do you feel stuck then? I mean, why don’t you just leave?”

“It’s not that simple.” Lou blinked.

“Ouch.”

“No- that’s not- Lou, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know…but…”

“I’m sorry.” Lou nodded.

“It’s fine,” Lou said, trying to laugh it off, but the hurt still lingered in her eyes.

\--

Lou was curled around the small boy, reading “Where the Wild Things Are.” She periodically looked down to see if the boy had dozed off. Derek, for his part, would awake every time he felt Lou’s chest shift to look at him, opening his eyes wide, trying to indicate he was wide awake.

Tammy watched from just beyond the door, cloaked by shadows. She laughed silently to herself at Lou’s obliviousness, and the way that she was starting to doze of herself as she read. If the pile on the floor next to the bed was any indication, this was the fourth book of the night. To be honest, she’d never seen Derek this engaged in story time. He typically had a hard time following the narrative, but the way that Lou told each story had somehow captured his full, rapt attention. Somehow the voices that she employed to differentiate among characters, and even the enthusiasm which she imbued narration in the absence of characters was just far more impressive than anything the child’s mother could have possibly provided.

Lou was truly captivating, Tammy had to admit. In this moment, from the perspective of a small child, naturally. But even from where Tammy hid in the shadows, even in other places…even falling apart in her tiny disaster of a studio apartment.

Tammy had never failed to notice this fact about Lou. She certainly hoped that she had managed not to show the way that she felt about the older blonde, she would have been truly mortified. She must have done a reasonably decent job as Debbie hadn’t murdered her. Deb, although frequently unfaithful and terrible at relationships, was fiercely possessive and very jealous. Although brilliant, she didn’t play well with others. In Tammy’s experience, anyway, one could be with Debbie, or a member of society, but not both. That wasn’t always a bad thing, per se. After all, Deb had intervened and defended Tammy against her husband- not that Lou needed to know anything about that situation. The very last thing that Tammy wanted was for anyone else to think her incapable of taking care of herself. Besides, it wasn’t that serious anyway, she was fine. She knew how to get help when her child- er- children were in danger, and that was what really mattered. And nothing she’d said to Lou was a lie…

But that wasn’t what she was thinking about, Tammy told herself. She turned focus back to the two humans huddled on the tiny racecar bed. There was no question that Lou must be extremely uncomfortable, but somehow all five feet and nine inches of her found a way to fit, curled around the tiny boy. Finally, both had fallen asleep. As Tammy approached, she realized Lou had gotten about three pages into “The Patchwork Girl of Oz,” as she’d allowed the book to fall over her face and chest. The book had also knocked Lou’s glasses askew. Tammy smiled, sliding in a bookmark from the nightstand to mark the page and returning the collection of books to their rightful place on the bookshelf.

Tammy knelt beside the bed on the floor, pressing gentle kisses to her son's cheeks. Lou was curled around him such that her shoulders were propped against the wall above the bed, her head turned at an unnatural angle just above Derek’s. The younger woman smiled, tracing her index finger along Lou’s jawline. She hesitated, fingers lingering over Lou’s lips, which were only half-parted, although she seemed to be breathing exclusively through her mouth. Tammy shook her head, as though to clear it, and smoothed down Lou’s now wild hair, pushing a few stray tendrils off of her ever so slightly sweat-damp face. Tammy leaned in and pressed a gentle, tender kiss to Lou’s temple, barely conscious of the action until the moment her lips made contact with smooth alabaster skin. Tammy blushed instantly, despite the fact that nobody knew what she’d done. She froze that way, mid-kiss, long enough to be sure that she hadn’t woken Lou, who continued her pattern of heavy breathing, interrupted only by a soft, small sigh.

Tammy slowly withdrew and took a moment to collect herself before shaking Lou’s shoulder’s gently and loudly whispering her name to rouse her. Tammy led a mostly asleep Lou down the hall to the guest bedroom and tucked her in. Ordinarily she would worry that this action was too maternal, but after the past several days, and given Lou’s profound lack of consciousness, it seemed the least she could do to make sure she slept well.

 

 


	7. Pancakes & Play Dough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy domestic Lou (& Tammy & Derek).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! sorry for the long hiatus. here's a little something to hold you until I get my next (hopefully longer) chapter up! I hope you enjoy it :) As always, comments are appreciated

The following morning, Tammy woke to the faint sound of laughter trickling up the stairs from the kitchen. Her heart jumped in her chest as she lay frozen in bed, fearful that her husband had come back home, wondering whether he had seen Lou, wondering what he would think. He was, although not necessarily a bad person, fairly conservative in his expectations of what people should do and how they should present themselves. She couldn’t explain why thinking about him terrified her so much, it didn’t really make sense. Sure, he was disapproving and sometimes unpleasant, but that wasn’t a reason for this amount of dread and panic, was it?

 

Lou definitely didn’t fit the prescribed soccer mom stereotype that Tammy’s husband envisioned for all women over “a certain age” (although what age specifically that was Tammy had never asked). Certainly, Tammy was smart, she was opinionated, and she could stand her ground- she just never really saw the sense in challenging her husband on the matter. He was there to father children and make money and…well, it was very clear that was all he intended to provide.

 

Tammy relaxed when she heard Lou’s low laughter as, it seemed from the intermittent squeals, Derek recounted an epic story. As Tammy shuffled down the stairs, adjusting her robe and nudging a Lego out of the way with her slipper-clad foot, she noticed Annie Lennox’s voice filling the air. Aside from the unexpected delight of hearing one of her all-time favorite artists at 7:30 am, this was notable because the stereo had been broken for several years, and Tammy had been forbidden to either fix or replace it (her husband was “going to get to it”). In fact, she was forbidden to touch it at all (although she did dust it periodically when her husband went on trips).

 

Tammy lingered in the dining room, where she had an unobstructed view of the kitchen, but could not be seen. Derek, who was somewhat covered in flour, was playing with what looked and smelled like freshly made play dough. As he smushed the dough unceremoniously, red and blue food coloring distributed evenly throughout the blob until it settled on a vibrant purple- his favorite color.

 

Lou, meanwhile, was cleaning some pots and pans and periodically checking the oven and the child. She also would intermittently lose herself in the music. When she did so, her body would visibly relax as she swayed slightly, tapped her foot, and sang along softly.

 

“ _I tried and tried again/ to make you notice me…_ ”

 

As Tammy padded closer to Lou, she could see that the older woman was crying as she busied herself putting dishes away. Tammy cleared throat softly and asked Derek what he was making.

 

“A octopus!” he shouted, excitedly, and a bit louder than necessary.

 

“Sweetie, remember to use your inside voice, okay?” He nodded eagerly, not seeming to process the words. Tammy ruffled his hair and stood, turning to Lou who had wiped her eyes and was now smiling at Tammy.

 

“What?”

 

Lou shrugged.

 

“Nothing, it’s just really sweet. Seeing you with him, I mean.”

 

“Yeah, well. He’s a great kid. Makes it easy.”

 

Lou chuckled.

 

“He has a great mom, too. That probably helps.”

 

Tammy rolled her eyes as Lou produced a couple of plates from the oven, pulling a third one out after she’d set the first two on the table. She’d made pancakes and scrambled eggs, abiding, Tammy noticed, by Derek’s strict no meat rule, something his father refused to allow.

 

“You promise there’s no meat?” Derek inquired seriously.

 

“No meat,” Lou confirmed. Derek drowned his pancakes in syrup and dove into his breakfast excitedly.

 

Tammy laughed softly.

 

“You’re great with him. He really lo- likes you a lot,” Tammy half-muttered, blushing slightly as she tripped over her words. Lou raised her eyebrows and blinked innocently.

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

Tammy shook her head.

 

“You’re ridiculous.”

 

They ate for a moment in peaceful silence.

 

“Lou?” Tammy asked hesitantly.

 

Lou swallowed her bite and cleared her throat.

 

“Yeah, Tam? What’s up?”

 

“Do you…think that you’d mind…staying a little longer?”

 

Lou blinked.

 

“Well, I wasn’t planning on going anywhere. Actually, I didn’t think you’d let me,” she said, gesturing to her ankle.

 

Tammy laughed, a little harder than made sense.

 

“Oh, right. Yeah, no, you’re not allowed to leave.”

 

 


	8. Circus and...Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip to the circus, and a very awkward conversation. ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for the great feedback on the last chapter. 
> 
> This was a super speedy update- and there's some length and feelings to it! 
> 
> Stuff is happening here and it feels kinda risky- please let me know how you feel about what's going on if you can- as always, comments are much appreciated. I hope you like it! :D
> 
> (Also, you can find me on tumblr @ ricochetmoon if you're so inclined)

Tammy tucked Derek in to bed after a long, taxing day of play with Lou. Despite the young child’s apparent exhaustion, he seemed to want to recount every detail of the day that was only just now ending. After tucking him in, Tammy sat on the end of the bed and zoned out as her son continued to babble on. She was honestly shocked that he even knew enough words to talk this much.

 

-

 

Lou had discovered that the tiny tot had an affinity for and love of the circus, something she herself shared, both to Tammy delight and dismay. Tammy was decidedly _not_ a fan of the circus. It triggered nearly every single irrational fear that plagued her, but two in particular: she was terrified of clowns and being mauled by a lion. She had no idea why these things bothered her so much, but she couldn’t escape the sheer panic that came along with them.

 

Fortunately for Derek, and unfortunately for his mother, Lou was the type of person who seemed to attract every sort of eccentric performer type to her. And having worked in bars and night clubs for so long, Lou had certainly met her share of such people. And conversed with them. And in some cases, was even owed a favor by some of them. Who happened to work for an interesting circus project primarily focused on, somehow, athleticism. That just so happened to be set up in an arena in New Jersey. Which was good (for Derek) because he was primarily intrigued by the trapeze. And wanted nothing more than to be up there himself. Again, this was not great news for Tammy, but she was thrilled that he was bonding with someone other than herself. It didn’t hurt that that someone was Lou.

 

The bright side was that there was not a lot of clown and lion action going on in the show, as it turned out. “Not a lot” wasn’t the same as none, but Tammy had certainly survived more than her fair share of traditional circuses, so this seemed totally doable. And it had been…aside from one point when Tammy _swore_ the lion was staring at her. She hadn’t screamed- although maybe she let out a small squeak- just tensed and went silent. Lou had noticed the blood draining from the younger woman’s face, her knuckles white where she gripped the plastic seat. Derek was lost in his circus experience, gleefully munching on a snow cone, and didn’t even notice that Lou had stopped talking mid-sentence.

 

Lou had placed her hand gently over Tammy’s, loosening her fingers from the seat. She slid as close to Tammy as the arm rest between them would allow and twined their fingers together slowly, deliberately, trying to catch Tammy’s eye. Tammy realized what was happening belatedly and turned her head slowly, for some reason afraid to look Lou in the eye. But she did look her in the eye. And held her gaze.

 

What she had seen in Lou’s eyes had surprised her, so much that she was almost positive that she had to be dreaming. Or imagining it. There was always a softness there when they were together, sure, but this was something more. Something that hadn’t been there before- or maybe she had just missed it. But she _swore_ \- as vehemently as she insisted the lion _was_ eyeing her- that what she saw in Lou’s eyes mirrored precisely what she had been feeling for the older woman. She wondered if perhaps she was just projecting, that it was wishful thinking. She actually pinched herself and with a small yelp confirmed that in fact this was not at dream.

 

Lou frowned ever so slightly at Tammy’s small cry but seemed reassured by the smile that crept across Tammy’s face when she turned back to face Lou. It was a small smile, but genuine and warm- in truth, Tammy was trying not to grin like an idiot or make too big of a deal of what she thought she saw.

 

“Mommy mommy mommy! LOOK!” Derek bounced out of his seat, waving his hand in Tammy’s direction without ever taking his eyes off of an acrobat who, standing on an elephant’s back, gripped his hands onto a ladder affixed to the wall and propelled his legs to hook around a higher rung. He proceeded to pull himself up and climb the rest of the way to the trapeze. Meanwhile, spectators were expected to have shifted their focus to some stupid clown, but Tammy knew better than to fall for that, and Derek certainly wasn’t about to look away. Derek scrambled into Tammy’s lap without looking what he was doing, bonking her in the mouth with the top of his head.

 

“Whoa, buddy, ouch. Watch it.” Derek ignored Tammy, who rolled her eyes, pouting. Lou smiled and watched as the two got settled.  

 

Lou gestured to the artist that Derek was following and addressed Tammy.

 

“You remember Yen right?” Tammy blinked, then refocused her eyes on the small man.

 

“Oh my God, I did not recognize him at all. Wow.” Lou laughed, nodded.

 

“He usually just teaches trapeze out in Long Beach, but a few of his buddies from Vegas just decided to make a go of it out here. He said he doesn’t understand why but he’s happy to take their money. Especially since Danny’s been a little MIA...”

 

Tammy nodded. They didn’t usually talk shop alone, and for some reason she was disappointed by the development. A slight pout in her lips and furrow of her brow betrayed her feelings.

 

“What’s wrong, Tam?”

 

Tammy shook her head.

 

“No, nothing. I just. Does anyone know where he is?” It was clear the question as half-hearted. She very much did not want to be talking about the Oceans.

 

Lou shrugged.

  
“Beats the hell out of me.” She paused. “I’m sorry, we can talk about something else.”

 

Tammy sighed.

 

“No, it’s okay. I get it. I mean…this is basically your family, right?”

 

Lou nodded.

 

“Still. It wasn’t how I wanted this to go.”

 

Neither woman said anything further. They watched Yen’s performance and listened as Derek babbled on and on about everything.

 

\--

 

Lou was sprawled in her signature manner across the sofa in the family room when Tammy returned. She wore a set of black satin pajamas they’d picked up en route to the circus earlier that day, not having packed well for an extended stay. The effect of the pajamas was a not at all dissimilar in effect to her standard attire- the sleeves rolled up at her elbows, unbuttoned to expose just the right amount of skin. Tammy found it just thoroughly unfair the way that everything Lou put on seemed to fit her like a glove, and also couldn’t really imagine why Lou would want her pajamas to be so form fitting. Not that she was complaining. It was also fascinating the way that it had taken her all of about ten minutes to locate and purchase said items, not even bothering to try them on. Tammy didn’t really want to think about why Lou might have been so well-versed in purchasing sleepwear, but regardless it was impressive.

 

Lou was sipping red wine from stemware haphazardly laced through her fingers in a manner that on anyone else would have inevitably resulted in a major spill. Lou pulled it off gracefully, seemingly effortlessly. Her other hand rested comfortably on a bowl of popcorn. She nodded in greeting as Tammy entered the room.

 

“Sorry I took so long. God, that kid can really talk,” Tammy said, dropping down onto the couch beside Lou, scooping up a handful of popcorn. As Tammy popped the kernels into her mouth one at a time, Lou set her wine down and reached for something on the side table. Lou wordlessly popped open a can of ginger ale and poured it into a glass, handing it to Tammy. Tammy smiled appreciatively, relaxing into the cushions.

 

“What are we watching, Mama?” Lou inquired. There was a slight pink to her cheeks, her eyes ever so slightly unfocused.

 

Tammy glanced at the TV.

 

“You just left it on the TV guide channel? Really?”

 

Lou blushed, nodded.

 

“For forty minutes?”

 

“I couldn’t find anything,” she said blushing more deeply.

 

Tammy chuckled and scrolled through the guide briefly. She selected an old movie that was already in progress without much thought, and left the volume low. She set the remote down and turned to face Lou straight on.

 

“Can we talk about something?” Tammy was summoning every ounce of courage she could muster.

 

Lou blinked.

 

“Uh…sure…” Lou replied uncertainly, pushing her glasses to the top of her head. She turned her eyes to Tammy slowly, then shifted her torso to face Tammy a little more fully without moving her injured foot from where it rested on the table.

 

“What…happened today?”

 

Lou briefly considered a snarky reply, but looking into Tammy’s eyes she saw an unexpected fragility that made her decide against it.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Am I crazy? Or did something feel…different?”

 

“When?”

 

Tammy gave Lou a look.

 

“When you were holding my hand! When we were…talking…and then…when we were not talking…and you were still holding my hand…”

 

Lou shifted her weight slightly and rubbed her palm against the back of her neck awkwardly.

 

“Oh…that…” She looked almost apologetic.

 

“I mean…I don’t…I’m not complaining,” Tammy offered, lightly.

 

“Tam?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“When you say it felt…different…”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Do you mean…that you never felt it before?”

 

“It?”

 

“I don’t know…whatever this is.”

 

“So there…is…something here?”

 

Lou stood abruptly and paced the length of the coffee table a few times, wincing.

 

“Lou…please sit down. You’re making me anxious.”

 

“You’re always anxious,” Lou retorted, but gently, lovingly.

 

“Well, you’re making it worse,” Tammy stated, mimicking Lou’s soft tone. Lou sighed heavily and settled back down, this time properly facing Tammy. Tammy tapped on Lou’s injured leg, which she was sitting on and gestured for Lou to put her foot on Tammy’s lap. Lou hesitated, feeling she was giving up too much control, but relented. Tammy gently traced her fingertips over Lou’s calf, sending a shiver down Lou’s spine.

 

“Lou…are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, just…you doing that reminded me of someone I used to know.”

 

“Oh?”

 

Lou nodded.

 

“There is something here,” Lou said, shifting to the former topic of conversation.

 

Tammy smiled.

 

“Okay, good.”

 

“But you never answered _my_ question.” Lou finished the wine in her glass, set it down carefully, and took to fussing with her rings. Despite this, her clear blue eyes were penetrating deep into Tammy’s. Although Lou was unsettled, uneasy, she presented her entire being to Tammy, unadulterated. _Only on offer as is_ , she thought, _take it or leave it._

 

Tammy did not falter under Lou’s piercing gaze. She’d been tempted to go down the road of self-doubt, but seeing Lou struggling against her flight instinct was the only confirmation she had needed to continue with the conversation.

 

“It wasn’t the first time that I felt…something.”

 

Lou looked almost surprised at the admission, although Tammy couldn’t imagine why. Lou had to know that she could get any woman she wanted, didn’t she? Tammy waited for Lou to say something, but Lou was speechless. Tammy took a deep breath.

 

“I…Lou, you’re completely captivating. I’ve always thought so. I’ll admit…I didn’t spend a whole lot of time thinking about you…in _that_ way at first. You were Debbie’s person. It would’ve basically been suicide,” Tammy paused to see Lou’s eyes were smiling, although she still seemed uneasy.

 

Lou was the first to look away. Tammy traced her right index finger around the rim of her glass. A long, awkward silence passed between them. Tammy exhaled and set the glass on the side table beside her, careful not to jostle Lou’s foot too much.

 

“You’re really full of surprises, you know,” Tammy stated matter-of-factly, hoping to provoke a response. Lou turned her face to Tammy, puzzled, a half-formed word dying on her lips. “You are. You just saunter silently around like you own every damn place with that…ridiculous smoldering smirk on your damn face…”

 

Lou rolled her eyes.

 

“You’re really quite the poet there, Tam.”

 

Tammy grumbled.

 

“See? You’re doing that thing again! I don’t ever know what I’m going to get when I talk to you.”

 

Lou shrank back into herself, causing Tammy’s mind to flash back to the similarly shrunken Lou she’d observed in the apartment. Tammy cursed her impatience under her breath, which only served to heighten Lou’s anxieties. Lou pressed her hands into the couch to propel herself to her feet, but when Tammy laid her hands against Lou’s thighs to stop her, she froze, arms extended, weight balanced precariously.

 

“I’m sorry, Lou. I didn’t mean to stress you out. I’m just…nervous.”

 

Lou lowered herself back into her seat with impressive precision and intentionality. Tammy looked deep into Lou’s eyes, searching for something, anything to reassure her that she wasn’t making a huge mistake. Lou’s eyes were clouded, distant, and Tammy could feel her courage fade rapidly. She felt she’d made an irredeemable mistake, that she’d jeopardized their friendship over a mere flight of fancy.

 

“I don’t know what to do,” Lou murmured, her voice so soft and cracked Tammy wasn’t sure she’d actually heard it. Lou lowered her throbbing head into her hands, rubbing gentle circles over her temples. Now it was Tammy’s turn to be puzzled, speechless. She reached for Lou’s hand, which Lou gave freely, her larger, heavily clad hand dwarfing Tammy’s naked, slender one. Despite the size differential and Lou’s bejeweled armor, they melted into one another easily.

 

After a long moment, Tammy folded her legs beneath her, sliding Lou’s injured leg off of her lap such that it was positioned between Tammy’s hip and the back of the couch. As a result, Tammy herself was now between Lou’s spread legs. Lou sat up slightly at the movement, but Tammy stopped her progress by placing her hands on Lou’s shoulders, pressing down just enough to still the older woman. Tammy traced the pads of her fingers across Lou’s always surprisingly narrow shoulders, first across smooth pools of black silk, then across milky skin, memorizing tiny freckles almost like cinnamon sprinkled across the smooth expanse. Tammy traced her thumbs over the ridge of Lou’s clavicle before sliding her hands around behind Lou’s neck, fingertips seeking purchase in the roots of soft hair just at the base of her skull.

 

Lou melted into Tammy’s touch, trembling, her skin beginning to pink at the attention. She gasped as Tammy pulled her in closer, reciprocated by placing her hands over the smaller woman’s hips, gently urging her forward. Tammy leaned up and forward, capturing Lou’s lips within her own. Lou moaned deeply, pulling Tammy closer against her, pressing their bodies together as much as possible. Lou bent her legs, holding Tammy between them, deepening the kiss.

 

Tammy, who had been bold enough to initiate the contact, became quickly self-conscious at the reciprocation. She tensed as Lou’s fingers brushed against her belly, the physical contact making her uncomfortably aware of her physical form. Lou pulled back slightly, frowning.

 

“Is something wrong?”

 

Tammy choked out a laugh, suddenly tearing up, although she wouldn’t have been able to explain why. She shook her head.

 

“Oh- Tam, it’s okay…do you know why you’re crying?”

 

Tammy shook her head, starting to laugh again. Lou laughed a little uncertainly, partially out of confusion, partially out of complete understanding.

 

“I’m sorry, Lou, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.”

 

Lou pulled Tammy, who was still crying, into her arms, letting Tammy’s tears soak through her shirt. She ran her strong hands over the smaller woman’s back.

 

“It’s okay, love. You have nothing to apologize for. I know what you’re going through, remember?” Tammy nodded into Lou’s chest. She quieted suddenly, the flow of tears stopping as abruptly as they began.

 

Tammy didn’t move from Lou’s arms, rather settled against her. She slightly adjusted her head so that she could hear Lou’s heart beating. Lou gently stroked Tammy’s hair, careful not to get her rings caught in the long locks. Within a couple of minutes, Tammy drifted off to sleep. Lou moved only enough so that she could lie down fully. Tammy awoke partially, enough to adjust to the new position- lying entirely on top of Lou. Lou laughed softly to herself, wrapping her arms around Tammy protectively as she herself fell asleep.

 


	9. The Big One (Debbie)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tammy and Lou finally talk about Debbie...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, friends!
> 
> This chapter is verrrry long! It was really difficult to figure out how to approach the subject of Debbie, and once I got going I couldn't stop! It didn't feel natural to me to split it up, but I'd love to hear what you all think of how this turned out!
> 
> I also struggled a lot with Debbie's characterization, so definitely let me know how you think she turned out!
> 
> (also lmk if any of the scenes/sections got away from me, lol, I haven't gotten to fully proof this yet but I wanted to update cuz I know it's been a minute.)
> 
> <3

A full day passed after the kiss before Lou and Tammy had an opportunity to sit down and address what had happened. Tammy was roused by her daughter’s movement, which prompted her to run to the bathroom. Lou awoke, feeling Tammy shift from on top of her. Lou stood up slowly, collecting the dirty dishes from the previous night and loading them into the dishwasher.  Then, Lou rifled around in the kitchen to find some crackers and a glass of water, which she set on the coffee table.

 

Tammy returned a few moments later, looking disheveled and slightly nauseated. She smiled at Lou as she picked up the glass of water and a cracker, which she nibbled at. The two women sat comfortable next to one another on the couch, their thighs barely touching. Tammy leaned lightly against Lou, resting her head against Lou’s shoulder.

 

After a long moment, Tammy lifted her head and turned to face Lou slightly. It looked as though she was about to say something when Derek’s voice broke the silence.

 

“MOMMY! I’m HUNGRY!”

 

Both women jumped, and Tam was instantly on her feet.

 

“My goodness, Derek, when did you get down here?” The little boy grinned, shrugging, and ran off into the kitchen.  Tammy smiled apologetically at Lou and went to figure out what to do about breakfast.

 

-

 

The second time that Lou and Tammy almost spoke was when Derek was taking a nap. Unfortunately, he had never been exactly _good_ at taking naps. Just as Tammy had settled next to Lou, she could hear the sound of an obnoxious toy that her husband had purchased against her explicit pleas not to do so, for the sake of her own sanity.  She groaned, getting to her feet again. Lou smiled a little, laughing under her breath.

 

“Tam, why don’t you let me try to get him down? Take a breather.”

 

Tammy smiled, exhausted.

 

“You wouldn’t mind?”

 

“Not at all.”

 

As had happened a couple of days prior, Lou had to read several books before he fell asleep, although, mercifully, still at a reasonable hour for a nap.

 

Except…

 

As Lou started back down the stairs, she could hear a male voice. She froze where she was, out of sight, and listened.

 

“…none of us know exactly what happened, that’s what I’m saying.”

 

“…but he’s okay?”

 

“For now…and maybe if slows the fuck down with this bullshit.”

 

“Isn’t that usually true?”

 

“Tammy, this is different.”

 

Lou emerged from her hiding spot, having identified the voice as belonging to Rusty Ryan.

 

“Hey,” she said, grinning slightly despite the somber tone of the conversation. Rusty grinning back in response, and the two shared a brief bear hug.

 

“How’s things?”

 

Lou shrugged.

 

“You know. Fine.”

 

“Heard from Debs?”

 

Lou laughed.

 

“Yeah, nothing important though. She seems fine.”

 

Rusty raised an eyebrow.

 

“Uh huh…”

 

“I resent your tone.”

 

Rusty shrugged.

 

“Look, I don’t know what happened between you all but you’d better figure that shit out before someone gets hurt.”

 

Lou was confused and concerned, making no effort to hide either.

 

“What’s going on?”

 

Rusty sighed heavily.

 

“Oh, you know, Danny’s just messing with entirely the wrong people again because he’s an idiot.”

 

“And you’re…?”

 

“Along for the ride, as always. Of course.”

 

“And Tess?”

 

“They’re off again.”

 

Lou nodded silently, glancing at Tammy, who had grown very quiet, shrinking into her own furniture.

 

“So…why are you here?”

 

“Gee thanks, you sure know how to make a guy feel welcome.”

 

Lou rolled her eyes.

 

“Not what I meant. And definitely _not_ my house, as you know.”

 

“You know, you make a good point. Why, Tallulah, are _you_ here?”

 

Nobody spoke for a moment, Lou and Rusty having a staring contest. Rusty, seeming to remember where he was, looked over to Tammy, then back at Lou. He narrowed his eyes at Lou, raising an eyebrow. Lou blushed slightly, glancing over to Tammy as well, to see that she seemed entirely zoned out from the conversation. Lou shrugged and cleared her throat.

 

“Rusty, what do you need?”

 

His eyes laughed.

 

“Tammy had been ignoring my calls for a few days, so I just wanted to check in and give her some updates on the…situation.”

 

Lou nodded slowly, not having realized Tammy would’ve been working anything at the moment. She should have, she supposed, although for some reason she’d been under the impression that Tammy had retired. She didn’t want to know any of the details, but even if she had, there would’ve been no point in trying to get them out of Rusty.  Lou excused herself from the conversation to take a shower. Really, she just needed and excuse to escape. Sure, she’d stayed in touch with everyone after she split with Debs, but it was still a lot. Besides…now she felt guilty about not having stayed in touch with Debbie, for not having actually affirmatively made sure that she was okay. She didn’t have many people, that much was clear. Lou had always had a hard time understanding what was expected of her in a situation like this. She didn’t really have much experience with maintaining relationships, particularly when there was also the complicating factor of not becoming a “known associate.”

 

-

 

Rusty stayed for a couple of hours, long enough that Lou was the one to get Derek up from his nap. He and Tammy spoke in hushed tones in the living room, and Lou knew better than to interrupt. She quietly got a snack for Derek and brought it up to him.

 

Lou and Derek sat by his foam train set mat, eating grapes and string cheese as they raced various dinosaurs, who were trying to rescue small stuffed turtle from getting run over by a wooden train carrying small wooden animals. Lou’s primary role was pushing the train around the track.

 

When Tammy had finally finished with Rusty, she found her son parked in front of the TV watching the Smurfs. She could hear the sound of Lou chopping something in the kitchen, the smell of garlic beginning to permeate the house. Tammy ruffled Derek’s hair and asked him a few questions about his day before peeking in on Lou.

 

“Hey. Little early for dinner, isn’t it?”

 

Lou shrugged.

 

“Figured we could eat with the little man. He missed you. And besides, you haven’t eaten in a while. Thought you’d be hungry.”

 

Tammy smiled, realizing that, of course, Lou was correct.

 

“Well, thank you. You didn’t have to do this.”

 

“I know. I wanted to. You saw my kitchen- this is quite the upgrade.” Lou grinned slyly. Tammy smiled back, a slight flush rising in her cheeks. Tammy hoisted herself up onto the lone spot on the island that Lou was not using at the moment. As she did so, her flowy, knee length floral skirt fluttered as she kicked her legs out, settling off to the side as she crossed her legs, revealing a fair amount of her (somewhat surprisingly) muscular thighs. Lou’s eyes flickered over the newly exposed skin. She couldn’t remember if she’d ever seen this much of Tammy before, although it seemed like she must have. They’d worked jobs together in the summer before, hadn’t they? Either way, it certainly had never been like this. It had never been…intentional. If this was intentional…it certainly seemed to be. Lou thought she detected a slight sparkle in Tammy’s eye. She was definitely smiling, kind of coyly it seemed.

Lou blushed slightly under the intensity of Tammy’s gaze, rubbing her free hand over the back of her neck.

 

“Anything on your mind, Tam?”

 

Tammy grinned, a little devilishly.

 

“Oh, nothing.”

 

“Mhmm…riiight.”

 

Tammy smoothed her hair back, then twirled a loose strand around her fingers. Her eyes drifted in the direction of stove, but she was decidedly _not_ thinking about food at that particular moment.

 

“Tammy…” Lou said, suddenly serious, maybe even a bit stern. Tammy snapped back to reality, blinking, her brow furrowed.

 

“Oh…uh…sorry…I just thought…”

 

“No, no- it’s okay. I know. I…me too. I just…we need to…we should probably talk…about a few things.”

 

Tammy cocked her head slightly to the side.

 

“Didn’t really figure you for much of a talker.”

 

Lou shrugged.

 

“Depends who I’m talking to.”

 

“Is that so?”

 

Lou let out a low, gravelly laugh.

 

“Honey, believe me, there’s no one else I’d be talking to.”

 

Tammy’s face grew somber, drawn. Lou frowned.

 

“Oh, no- not like that. I just mean…most women I’ve…they haven’t been worth my words.”

 

Tammy slightly forced a laugh, but her eyes were smiling, at least.

 

“I didn’t know they were so precious.”

 

“Of course you did.” Lou smirked, looking at her. She swallowed the flirtatious words she wanted desperately to utter, afraid she wouldn’t be able to remain collected enough to say what needed to be said otherwise. Lou may have seemed like a lot of things, may have been with a sizeable number of women, but Tammy was special. She was not about to jeopardize this…relationship, or friendship, or whatever this was- by jumping in too fast, without taking the time to get everything out in the open.

 

Tammy sighed, readjusting her skirt. Lou put a hand over Tammy’s, slowing it’s progress mid-thigh.

 

“You must know that I’m wildly attracted to you.”

 

Tammy’s eyes flicked up from her skirt to meet Lou’s. Lou’s soft smile was warm and genuine. It settled just so into laugh lines and crow’s feet but somehow simultaneously made her look all the more vital, almost youthful.

 

Tammy nodded, biting her lower lip.

 

“Well, I do now,” she said, trying to hold back a grin.

 

“But…this is more than that. For me, anyway. I want…more out of this.” Lou was blushing furiously, completely occupied by playing with her jewelry. She turned away slightly to check on her cooking, mostly as an excuse to hide herself.

 

Tammy swung her leg out to touch Lou’s leg with her toes.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Yeah?” Lou asked, not turning around.

 

“Look at me.”

 

Lou grumbled.

 

“Look at me, please?”

 

Lou sighed softly and whirled around, cocking her head to the side, feigning an air of nonchalance. She straightened a little upon registering the intensity of Tammy’s gaze.

 

“Thank you. Now…” Tammy paused, motioning to for Lou to place her hands in Tammy’s.  Lou inched closer, obliging, and Tammy squeezed Lou’s fingers. “I want that…more than…whatever, too.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Mhmm.” Tammy laced her arms around Lou’s neck, pulling herself up slightly. Lou lowered her head instinctively, and Tammy kissed her tenderly, albeit briefly, chastely. “So…this…stuff that we have to talk about.”

 

“Yup.”

 

Tammy sighed.

 

“It’s Debbie stuff, isn’t it?”

 

“Yup.”

 

Tammy groaned, throwing her head back, staring at the ceiling.

 

“Whyyy?”

 

Lou rolled her eyes.

 

“Hey, I felt that,” Tammy protested.

 

“Yeah, well, you deserved it.”

 

“Oh, because you’re so looking forward to this.”

 

“Absolutely. My favorite topic of conversation.”

 

“Ha, ha.”

 

“You know I’m right.”

 

“That it’s your favorite?”

 

“Tammy.”

 

“Yeah, okay, I know,” she grumbled, getting more serious, “you’re right. I mean…that was the first thing we knew we had in common.”

 

“Now where the hell do we begin?”

 

\--

 

Lou sat straddling the windowsill of Debbie’s seventeenth story Manhattan apartment, having removed the screen. One leather-clad leg hung out of the window and she watched as ash and sparks from her cigarette floated on the wind. Her inside foot was firmly rooted to the floor. She stubbed the cigarette out on the brick façade of the building, just behind her shoulder was resting and flicked it out towards the street.

 

Lou been out on her bike for about a week, upstate somewhere, she wasn’t even really sure where. To be honest, she didn’t remember most of that time. She had come to Deb’s directly, having gotten the address from a particularly resourceful friend. Nobody had been pleased with Debbie’s conduct of late, particularly where Lou was concerned, but Deb was too blissfully in lust to care. She’d never been one for commitment, and she’d assumed based on Lou’s appearance and reputation that she’d be the same. Lou herself honestly probably would’ve described herself in those terms, to be fair, but it didn’t mean it was accurate.

 

It was late November, just after Thanksgiving. Debbie and her new plaything would be returning any moment, and Lou knew that she shouldn’t be there. She had only intended to leave a letter. It just seemed so much more personal than a text or an e-mail. Debbie refused to meet with her face-to-face, was acting like she and Lou had never even met, let alone been partners and, y’know, _partners_ for the past several years. Lou could list out the precise amount of time, but it wasn’t worth the energy.

 

She heard the key turn in the lock. She was swinging her leg back inside when she locked eyes with Debbie. Deb looked shocked, her eyes wide open, as she dropped several high-end shopping bags to the floor.

 

“Hope none of that was fragile,” Lou said, hoping she looked cool and collected, and that Deb hadn’t seen her almost lose her bearings.

 

“Not as fragile as you would be falling out of that window.”

 

“Touché. Although I’m sure you wouldn’t much mind.”

 

“That’s not fair.”

 

Lou rolled her eyes.

 

“Oh, so now I’m the one who’s not being fair?!” She said, raising her voice.

 

“Lou, calm down. It’s not that big of a deal.”

 

“Apparently not to you! But excuse me for actually caring about my fucking girlfriend.”

 

“ _Girlfriend?_ Is that what you thought this was? Really, Lou, you should be more careful with your emotions.”

 

“This isn’t really you.”

 

“Isn’t it? How would you honestly know?”

 

“Oh, so now I’m bad at my fucking job, too? I guess everything is just my fault then.”

 

“You said it, not me. Besides, this was never a _relationship_ , so there actually isn’t any fault. I just decided to move on.”

 

“How is this not a relationship? Why the hell would either of us have stuck around for _years_ if this wasn’t a relationship?”

 

“You never said that it was! We never even talked about it.”

 

“It seemed obvious! Why else would our lives have been so completely intertwined? Why would you spend all of your time with me, building a life?”

 

“A _life_? Lou, we’re criminals. We ran jobs. Either of us could have gotten out at any time. I just did it first.”

 

“You know what, fine. You’re right. I imagined the entire thing. Have a nice fucking life, Ocean. I’m out.”

 

Debbie shrugged.

 

“It’s not like I asked you to stay. I literally didn’t ask you to do anything. Why are you even here?”

 

Lou sighed, shrugging.

 

“I honestly don’t fucking know, Deb,” she said, turning on her heel and walking out the door, not looking back.

 

-

 

In Debbie’s defense, there had never been a moment where she and Lou had defined what they were to each other. They’d been fairly young when they’d met, fairly green as well.

 

Lou had been working with Rusty on and off for a few years, primarily as a means of maintaining a certain level of comfort that allowed her to get by, and to engage in…recreational and romantic pursuits. Their working relationship had started out well, Lou had been dedicated, eager to learn what she could after having spent her first few years in the States struggling to make a living. Rusty had spotted her counting cards in a fairly middle of the road casino, not too flashy, but still of a certain caliber. He’d thought she had potential- and was obviously right about that.

 

However, over time, Lou began to lose focus.  It wasn’t immediately clear to him whether this was because she was getting bored, distracted, or maybe something else entirely. In truth, Lou was just very lost. Leaving home had been a lot more difficult than she had bargained for, although she knew that staying wouldn’t have been an option, either.

 

Despite the fact that Lou had never been the type of person to _enjoy_ losing control, so to speak, that was exactly where she ended up. It wasn’t necessarily that it made her feel better- although, sure, of course certain substances did help somewhat in that regard- she did it more for the self-flagellation element. Which is to say, not only in the physical consequences and toll that such behaviors had on her body (specifically, her continued ingestion of certain narcotics despite the fact that they made her sick and miserable), but also in the accompanying shame that she experienced as a result of her failure to be what she considered a “productive” or even “functional” member of society.

 

Rusty did not seem to think this was a good look, but also did not fully understand the extent of the situation. He could never seem to put his finger on what was happening, because although he was certainly familiar with the type of life Lou appeared to be leading, things didn’t quite add up.  For example, Rusty had never known anyone who seemed to exclusively use substances to which they were not actually addicted and from which they seemed to derive no actual pleasure or benefit. But, more than that, she seemed to be functional _enough_ …on the same level as most of the people he worked with. When she was fully herself, she could at least match him step for step in any area where length of tenure did not directly impact performance. And she was _much_ better with the ladies than he was- there was no doubt about that.

 

In any event, Rusty had become invested in Lou, and he could see that she’d lost the spark she’d had when he first took her under his wing. It was a very unique experience for him- being this close to a woman with whom he knew he did not have an ice cube’s chance in hell. To be honest, he didn’t even really want her in that way, although her allure was undeniable. They were…kind of bros, for lack of a better descriptor- and in some ways that word fit the too more accurately than it possibly could have fit Rusty’s relationship with Danny.

 

Rusty saw an opportunity to get Lou out of her rut when Danny approached him about a job in Atlantic City. He and Lou had been working casinos mostly in either Reno or Vegas (she’d been working on and off as a show girl and in burlesque, as she’d not yet cultivated any off-stage skills). He thought the change of scenery would do her good. It was a relatively ambitious job, but not extremely risky. This he knew by the fact that Danny had indicated he wanted Debbie to be on board. Not that Deb wasn’t extremely capable- of course she was. If she hadn’t been such a loose cannon (and so much younger), she’d probably have outpaced him by now. It was because of this fact that Rusty felt confident bringing his protégé along, too. Rusty was certainly right that it broke Lou out of her rut- but in retrospect he felt guilty about having introduced the chaos that followed into her life.;

 

Debbie and Lou were like oil and water, at first. Debbie considered Lou to be highly irresponsible and far too crass. Lou, by contrast, found Debbie extremely uptight and arrogant. From those first impressions sprung a romance, in typical rom-com fashion- but so, too, sprang a wealth of compounding false assumptions. Lou assumed that Debbie, uptight and fairly conservative and traditional in all other areas of her life (save for crime, of course) would be as such where romance was concerned. Debbie, especially given that she knew nothing of Lou’s life in Australia or that she was actively punishing herself with her seemingly carefree partying, assumed that Lou was fair more laissez-faire where romance was concerned than she was.

 

Despite all of the long hours spend working side-by-side, eventually becoming partners in (Lou thought) all areas of their lives, they spoke very little about personal affairs. Their romance was really fueled by the thrill of a job well done, the high that came from getting away with something. And they loved each other’s minds- after all, they were both brilliant when they chose to apply themselves. But, in retrospect, it just so happened that most of those times occurred when they were planning something together. Which, again, was mostly work, although occasionally they would do something like a vacation together. Birthday celebrations. They could discuss music for endless hours. It wasn’t that there was no love there- certainly there had been, otherwise they wouldn’t have stayed together over so many long years. It was just that they never learned to communicate about their expectations or feelings in a healthy or constructive way.

 

Debbie and Lou fought often. Their entire relationship was very much on again, off again. Generally by Debbie’s election. Usually this meant that Deb would pick a fight- a dirty fight. She had a way of turning even Lou’s most innocuous personal revelations or statements against her. She had even managed to break up with Lou once because Lou said that she loved Debbie on their anniversary- while they were at dinner, at a fancy restaurant, with the explicit purpose of celebrating their anniversary.  (Never mind the fact that Lou had actually planned to propose that night, but mercifully had the clarity of mind to never bring up the subject. Still, it took her a long time to be anywhere even approaching okay with the idea of marriage again.)

 

It honestly still didn’t make sense to Lou that Debbie would have dumped her so many times if they hadn’t been actually in a _relationship_ , but that was neither here nor there.

 

-

 

Tammy had always been deeply attracted to Debbie, and Debbie knew this about her.  They had grown up together, Debbie a bored preteen and Tammy an over-enthusiastic kindergartener who were left to “play together” while their fathers talked business in basements and back rooms. Debbie at that age enjoyed exploiting Tammy’s innocence and general precociousness to her benefits, which usually involved scoring cash and candy off of strangers. Tammy was always eager to please.

 

Over the years, Tammy fought to establish her independence, sought to convince Debbie that she actually possessed valuable skills, that although she was no longer tiny and adorable, she was worth keeping around. Debbie was difficult to convince, more because she was too self-absorbed and invested in drawing in hot guys than she was in optimizing her game plan. (Hence why she and Lou tended to run such low-stakes jobs). Even later on in their lives, Deb would often forget to consider Tammy’s existence even when Tammy was precisely the perfect person for the job.

 

That is, until one day when she needed to discreetly offload a bunch of highly specific antiques- highly valuable porcelain figures with a small but obsessive- and very wealthy- collector base. Both of Tammy’s grandmother’s, Debbie knew, were heavily invested in these items, and she also knew that there was nobody else who would be able to pull this job off.

 

Tammy had just graduated from college and was working an entry-level job at one of the higher-end fashion houses in Manhattan- and actually quite enjoying herself there. Debbie caught her taking inventory one night after hours.

 

“What are you doing here, Deb?”

 

“What, didn’t you miss me?”

 

Tammy cursed under her breath.

 

“What do you want?”

 

“Aw, Tam, come on. Don’t be like that…” Debbie crooned, standing too close, her lips almost grazing Tammy’s ear. Debbie removed the clipboard and pen from Tammy’s now slackened fingers as the younger woman swooned slightly. Tammy swallowed hard and cleared her throat.

 

“I thought you said I was too awkward to be useful.” It’s spoken like a statement, flatly, but as always, Debbie knows that Tammy’s heart is pounding, and that she’s eager for Deb to sweet talk her.

 

“Oh, Tammy, baby, I didn’t mean for everything…you must understand that, right?” Debbie says sweetly, her breath hot against Tammy’s skin as she presses her hips up against Tammy’s. Tammy’s face was red, and her feet were rooted to the floor. She’d seen Deb do this to countless men in the past over almost the entire course of the time they’d known each other. And although Debbie was often flirtatious with her, it had never been this overt before.

 

Despite Tammy’s overwhelming desire to melt into the spot, Deb had hurt her enough times that she was wary of falling into this trap again.

 

“What if I don’t want to work with you?”

 

Debbie scoffed.

 

“Don’t be stupid. We both know you do.”

 

“Okay, sure, but I have some conditions.”

 

“ _Conditions_?” Debbie’s eyes indicated that she found Tammy’s statement to be adorable, like she was still the tiny child she had been when they first met. Which…seemed weird, because she was definitely flirting, right?

 

“Damnit, Debbie. You have to start taking me seriously! Otherwise why would I ever want to work with you?”

 

Debbie rolled her eyes and moved her face closer to Tammy’s, such that their noses were almost touching. Tammy’s eyelids fluttered, and her gaze fell to Debbie’s lips…the lips that she had spent countless hours pretending that she was not staring at. She bit her own lip, trying to steady her breathing and slow her racing her heart. It was precisely at that moment that Deb leaned in and captured Tammy’s mouth in her own. It was Tammy’s first real kiss, if she was being honest, and it was nothing like what she had imagined it would be.

 

Tammy had been the type of person who had imagined a lot more romance would be involved. She’d believed that physical intimacy was meant to be somewhat magical. It wasn’t so much that kissing Debbie could not be described as magical so much as that it was…not the type of magic she’d had in mind. She’d pictured something soft and gentle, something delicate. And not to say that Debbie was overly aggressive, but she certainly was…firm. Assertive. And…it wasn’t that Tammy wanted to say no, she didn’t, but…she was very much caught off guard.

 

Furthermore, the kiss was deep, long, and almost…frantic? Tammy struggled to catch her breath and also keep up with the pace that Deb had set. Debbie’s hand sought out Tammy’s waist, sliding up under the hem of her blouse. Tammy shuddered, a deep blush spreading from her neck up across her face. This embarrassed Tammy, which made her blush all the more. Debbie kissed down Tammy’s jawline, making her way to the sensitive skin just beneath her ear. Tammy jumped, yelped despite the fact that she actually enjoyed the contact. But it was just…too much, too soon. And too confusing.

 

Tammy banged into a cabinet full of assorted beads and sequins and instantly remembered she was at work. She was supposed to be working. Debbie was _not_ supposed to be in here. Tammy put a couple of feet between herself and Debbie, reclaiming her pen and clipboard.

 

“Deb, you need to _leave._ _Now._ ”

 

“Ta-“

 

“ _No._ You need to leave.” Tammy resumed the task of taking inventory without acknowledging Debbie further. Her heart was pounding in her chest, but she was kind of proud of herself for standing her ground. What she didn’t know was that this would only serve to make Debbie more invested in pursuing her. Not consistently, and not all the time. Primarily when she needed something. But still, it didn’t mean that what they had was insignificant or meaningless. And it certainly didn’t mean that Tammy was not completely head over heels for Debbie. She had convinced herself that she was perfectly okay with taking as much of Deb as she could get. And maybe she was, maybe she still would’ve been…

 

The periods of time when Debbie and Tammy were together were exclusively when she and Lou were broken up, whatever that meant. Or at least that was what Debbie had told Tammy. Tammy had always been too afraid to investigate further. By the time it even occurred to her that Debbie might be lying, it would’ve hurt Lou so much that Tammy figured it wasn’t worth it. Nobody would’ve benefitted from it, and it wouldn’t have changed things for any of the three of them, of that she was sure. It wasn’t healthy, not at all, but it was what it was. They were who they were at that time, and although all broken in some way, they were just doing the best that they could. That was how Tammy thought about it, anyway.

 

-

 

The first time that Tammy had gotten pregnant, she had thought that she was totally prepared. She had wanted this. She had chosen her husband carefully, making sure to leave enough room for her to pursue other people on occasion. That arrangement was based in part on the fact that neither she nor her husband sought marriage based on love or physical attraction, rather, for physical security and to start a family. It just so happened that her husband had apparently been mistaken about his desire to have children. The other reason for the arrangement, not that Tammy needed one, was Debbie.

 

A couple of months earlier, Deb and Lou had fallen out. Hard. Lou had found out that Debbie had kept her apartment despite the fact that the two had officially moved in together almost two years prior. They’d lived together previously over the years, of course, but this had been the first time they moved together, intentionally. They had actually bought that apartment, which Tammy mostly remembered because she, heavily pregnant, had been tasked with helping Debbie offload the place and everything in it. And she’d been a little too glad to do it.

 

Debbie had shown up at Tammy’s house while Tammy was wallowing in self-pity of the state of her marriage, over her husband’s recent revelation that he no longer wanted a child. He’d told her as much, bluntly, while he packed for his first extended business trip to Germany, the first of many. Her wallowing was all the more pathetic because she was pregnant and too paranoid to partake in any behaviors that might have been harmful to the baby. The baby was innocent and did not deserve to be punished for the fact that their father was an asshole. And above all else, Tammy still did very much want to be a mother.

 

Deb let herself in the front door, which was barely surprising to Tammy. However, she was watching an old movie marathon on the couch, facing away from the door, so hearing the lock turn startled her so much that she dropped the half-gallon tub of ice cream haphazardly on the table, jumping to her feet. The house had been broken into (by someone other than Debbie) only a few months previously and Tammy had been held at knifepoint, so she was a bit jumpy. She’d neglected to tell Debbie mostly because she didn’t want to be disappointed when every way she knew to contact the brunette proved to be futile once again. Debbie could only be found when she wanted to be, and even having all the same contacts as Deb, Tammy would always be considered peripheral and a baby, it seemed. None of _them_ would ever help Tammy get a hold of Deb.

 

Debbie was caught off-guard by the look of sheer terror on Tammy’s face. She took this in as she gently closed the door and set down a couple of bags of barbeque on a nearby table (something Tammy enjoyed immensely but never permitted herself to have for overly complicated reasons that Deb never fully understood).

 

“Tammy, sweetie, it’s just me. I’m so sorry if I scared you…are you okay?” Deb was uncharacteristically soft, something that Tammy only ever got brief glimpses of but relished. She was probably the only one who ever got to see Deb this way, and it was probably only because she was, in some ways, like Debbie’s little sister, and she was overprotective much in the same way that Danny had always been of her. Tammy would often grow irritated with Debbie’s belief that she was fragile, but in this particular moment, it was true.

 

Deb moved towards Tammy, who had started to cry, caught her and held her, stroking her long blonde hair, comforting her. Lou would’ve been astonished if she’d seen Debbie so earnest, so maternal. Although Deb and Lou were soft with each other in their way, there had always been sharper edges. They didn’t even know how to care for each other without banter. Lou would have been jealous, frankly.

 

After several minutes, Tammy collected herself enough to see that Debbie herself looked a mess. Her hair looked unwashed and wild, pulled into a hasty bun. She was wearing black sweats (they were velour and very flattering, but still). She had on big sunglasses and had shucked her oversized black trench coat by the front door.

 

“Deb?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Did you fight with Lou again?”

 

“Yeah.” Debbie’s voice cracked slightly. Tammy sat her down on the sofa.

 

“Have you been drinking?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do you want to?”

 

“No.” Tammy nodded and re-emerged from the kitchen with two ginger ales, setting them on the coffee table before sitting next to Deb and taking her hands.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“Not yet.”

 

“I assume you’re not hungry either?”

 

Debbie shook her head, but even as she did, she liberated her hands to pick at the ice cream Tammy had left on the table. She took a few bites and then thrust the tub at Tammy.

  
“Take this away from me before-“

 

“-you make yourself sick? Gotcha.” Debbie smiled softly, but with broken eyes.

 

Tammy put away the food and held her hand out to Deb.

 

“You wanna go to bed?”

 

Debbie nodded, grateful that Tammy knew her so well. The two made their way up the stairs, partially leaning on one another, which made their progress slow, but neither seemed to mind. They were silent, but not uncomfortably so, although each was lost in thought. Just past the threshold, Debbie took Tammy’s hands in her own and looked deep into her eyes. Tammy melted, surprised. Although they often would fall into bed together, it wasn’t like this. Right now, in this moment, it felt like Debbie was really _seeing_ Tammy for the first time. Tammy’s breath caught in her throat when she tried to speak, and Deb held up two fingers to Tammy’s lips, silencing her efforts.

 

“You’re really stunning, Tam. Do you know that?” Tammy blushed deeply.

 

“I…uh…”

 

“No, you are. You really are. I don’t think you hear that enough.”

 

Tammy smiled awkwardly. She opened her mouth to speak, but Debbie silenced her with a kiss. Tammy moaned softly, bringing her hands to the back of Debbie’s head, urging her on. Debbie traced her fingers over Tammy’s belly, all the more aroused because of it. Her fingers trembled in a way that they never had before. She was gentle, reverential, and she took her time. Tammy had never felt this way before, this good…this… _desirable_ and not only that but actually _desired_. Deb didn’t even let Tammy reciprocate that night, although she was certainly paid back in kind over the next couple of months that they were together. They were together still only casually, on and off, as Deb was primarily consumed by her relationship with Claude, but for Tammy, it was still everything. Well, aside from the whole…being pregnant business. Things were…blissful, honestly. It had been, thus far, the happiest time in Tammy’s life.

 

She derived a particular type of joy when Debbie came over in the middle of one of her screaming matches with her husband, just as things were getting violent, and intervened. Debbie was the only person who had ever been willing to risk taking a blow for her, not that there was often a need for that. Not that she did- she was far more skilled in hand-to-hand combat that Tammy’s husband was (which wasn’t saying much). It wasn’t that she wanted Debbie to be in risky situations, it was just…the novelty of having someone present and willing to defend her honor in the moment. It was old-fashioned, sure, and maybe a little problematic, but it made Tammy feel really good.  

 

-

 

Lou, meanwhile, was broken. She’d thought for sure that she and Deb would get married, that they would spend their lives together. She was struggling all the more because Deb’s timing really could not have been worse. On top of Lou’s botched proposal, she had also just found out earlier that day that she was unable to have children (the result of complications after a much earlier abortion, but that was another story). Sure, it was stupid of Lou to have still intended to go through with a proposal under such circumstances, but she had a problem with deferring her feelings and personal heartbreaks to a later and more convenient time. Which never came, of course. But she always told herself it would. Even though all she had really wanted to do was call Debbie and tell her to come home, tell Debbie that she needed her, that she needed to be held. But Lou was stubborn, and Lou was determined, and Lou…was trying too hard to compensate for a distance that she felt growing between herself and Debbie.

 

Debbie was out, all the time. Especially when Lou wasn’t working, but even when she was. They rarely had sex anymore, and things only seemed to head that way when Debbie was plastered. Debbie still leaned on Lou’s emotional labor as much as ever but was never available in that capacity when Lou needed help, not in the way that she used to be. Even though they’d never been great at softness and vulnerability, they had taken care of each other in their own way- which was why to the rest of the world they had seemed untouchable, unbreakable for a time. They had their own language, and Lou had thought, they were always on the same page (even though history should have taught her better).

 

She hadn’t found out about Claude until after Debbie left her, although when she started to pay attention it was painfully obvious. She was the mystery woman making the rounds at all of the art galleries, the one that her more distant contacts had been asking about for some time. If she had been seeing clearly, if she had been doing her job probably, she would have known. Debbie had very clearly, very intentionally left clues for Lou- Lou just hadn’t wanted to see them. Her toothbrush, her hairbrush, her clothes had slowly found their way out of the apartment. When Debbie left Lou, she had nothing left to carry. She had a meticulous plan. She’d planned to slip out in the middle of the night, without a word. She must have known that it was their anniversary when she made the scheme, but she had honestly not been consciously thinking about that. In retrospect, she thought (from her prison cell) that maybe she had been feeling so anxious precisely because some distant part of her brain was keeping time, feeling trapped.

 

Regardless, she certainly hadn’t planned to leave on _the night_. For her part, and for all her clarity, Debbie had not known that Lou intended to propose. She hadn’t wanted to see it. Sure, maybe she sensed Lou trying to get closer, maybe that was why she pushed her away so hard. But she didn’t _know_. She didn’t know until Lou told her that she loved her, in that place, with all of those people…then she _knew_. And she knew she had to get out. She had something big in the works with Claude and she _loved_ him- or she thought she did. She _wanted_ him. He felt shiny and new and uncomplicated. With Lou…there was too much history, there were too many feelings, and they made Debbie uncomfortable. She didn’t want to feel tied down, and that was what Lou represented. In a sense, Debbie was punishing Lou for feeling like home, punishing Lou for the fact that Debbie had fallen too hard for her. She hadn’t had the clarity of mind to realize that at the time, but in the cold, harsh light of her cell it was painfully clear to Debbie Ocean that she had made so, so many mistakes.

 

\--

 

Although Tammy and Lou had both known that they had to talk about Debbie, the conversation was  still stilted and awkward. After all, they’d essentially spent years taking turns, both hoping for more than they reasonably expected to get. There had been some resentment there on occasion, although neither had been particularly inclined to dwell on it- there was a mutual respect between Tammy and Lou, there always had been. They’d both been wise enough to recognize that if the other held a special place in Deb’s heart, there had to be good reason.

 

Lou had sat on one of the stools by the kitchen island, Tammy having turned to face her, sitting cross-legged on the counter. Either the talk had taken less time than they had anticipated, or they’d both entirely lost track of time. It was unclear. Tammy turned off to the side a little bit to wake her legs up without kicking Lou. She stretched her arms above her head, yawning, then took to rubbing her lower back, which hurt her more with each passing day.

 

“…so you’ve kind of always been in love with her, Tam?” Lou asked, looking up from the counter which she’d been gazing at for a long moment, lost in thought. She lifted her eyes and watched Tammy carefully, longing to reach out and touch her, to help ease her aches and pains.

 

Tammy shook her head a little, snapping herself out of her thoughts.

 

“I’m sorry?” Tammy straightened her back a little, stretching, still trying to work out a knot.

 

“You said a little while ago that you were tiny when you and Debs first met…did you always have feelings for her?”

 

“I mean, yeah, I guess so. She was my first real crush, anyway.  A lot of firsts, actually. I guess maybe that’s why I’m so susceptible to her charms,” she says, the end of her sentence turning semi-sarcastic. There was a bitterness now that clouded her features, her eyes stormy, posture simultaneously tense and slumped. Lou felt could relate to how Tam was feeling, if not precisely to her experience.

 

Lou reached for Tammy’s left foot, just a couple of inches from her, never breaking eye contact, asking wordlessly as she slowly and gently took it in her hands. Tammy gave a small nod of approval, leaning back on her hands and adjusting her position. Lou slowly, firmly began to massage Tammy’s swollen foot.  Although Lou had been here only a short time, Tammy’s body had gone through a number of changes. Her baby bump was more pronounced, her morning sickness had gotten worse. Her feet were beginning to swell enough that Lou could tell, and her mood swings were more severe. Lou didn’t mind, in fact she kind of liked that she was here to help. But it also made her wonder how Tammy had managed her first pregnancy, if she’d been on her own this much. Tammy _had_ mentioned being involved with Deb at that time…

 

Lou took a deep breath, pushing Debbie out of her mind. She attentively rubbed both of Tammy’s feet before helping her find a comfortable position on the couch. When Lou didn’t sit beside Tammy, Tammy frowned, grabbing her hand.

 

“Where are you going? Did I say something wrong?”

 

Lou smiled, laughing softly.

 

“No, honey, I’m just going to rub your back, if that’s okay. I noticed it was giving you some trouble.”

 

Tammy’s face flushed.

 

“Oh…of course. Uh…heh…thanks.” Lou noticed that Tammy looked a bit stiff, nervous.

 

“Is everything okay?”

 

Tammy nodded enthusiastically.

 

“Yeah I just um. I like it when you call me that.”

 

“What?”

 

“You called me honey.”

 

“Oh. Have I not done that before?” Lou was blushing faintly despite her attempted nonchalance, which makes Tammy smile.

 

“Not before yesterday, no.”

 

Lou laughed awkwardly in response.

 

“Lou?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“We’ve uh…we talked about Debbie now but…”

 

“…but we haven’t talked about…whatever this something is?”

 

Tammy nodded, a little shy but hopeful, encouraged. Lou gently removed her hand from Tammy’s grasp, squeezed Tammy’s shoulder lightly, then lifted the younger blonde’s chin to look her in the eye. She lets her hand rest on Tammy’s chin as she speaks, running her thumb gently along Tammy’s jawline.

 

“It’s…clear that neither of us is particularly good at this type of conversation…”

 

“Extremely clear,” Tammy muttered, laughing nervously.

 

“Shh…I’m trying to say something here.”

 

“Oh. Right.”

 

Lou rested her hands on Tammy’s shoulders, her face as serious as Tammy had ever seen it.

 

“Hey, seriously. I’m all in. Whatever you want from me.”

 

Tammy grinned unabashedly, for once fully secure in herself and her desires, feeling fully at home in this moment.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay?” Lou asked anxiously.

 

“I want you to stay. Here. With me.”

 

“Okay…”

 

“I want a lot of things from you, maybe everything. But what I want right now is for you to take me to bed.”

 

Lou grinned, that characteristic dirty glint returning to her eyes as she helped Tammy to her feet.

 

“Now that I can do.”

 

It was only as they made their way to the stairs that they saw Derek sleeping on the first landing, face pressed up against the bannister.

 

“I think…we forgot about something, Tam.”

 

Tammy, flustered, scooped up the little boy who was sleeping so hard that he barely stirred as she settled him against her hip.

 

“I’ll…I’ll be right back.”

 

Lou caught Tammy’s hand, squeezing it and gave her a quick peck on the lips.

 

“Okay, _honey_. I’ll be here.”

 


	10. Dry Spell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Rusty's visit, Lou and Tammy struggle to connect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! 
> 
> I'm so sorry about the unexpectedly long hiatus! Thanks for the love on the last chapter. I hope you like this one, too :)
> 
> As always, comment if you are so inspired. 
> 
> <3

The first night together was less eventful and more awkward than either had hoped, but that was nothing compared to the two weeks that followed. 

Tammy’s guilt over having forgotten to feed her son and put him to bed put a damper on the clarity and rising passion between the two women, and Lou’s caretaking of the young boy in her injured state had left her body sore and her foot swollen. Tammy and Lou kissed, they touched, they laughed…they laughed a lot…but they were tired, they were overwhelmed, and both still thinking about Debbie, though neither wanted to admit it. 

So they lay, curled into one another, half-clothed, their bodies at peace with the world but Tammy kept checking her phone constantly, and Lou was drafting a letter to Debs in her head. Rusty’s reprimand had left her reeling- she should know if Deb were in trouble. It wasn’t just about their relationship drama- it was a potential liability for the entire family. A family that included Lou and Rusty, but more importantly, Tammy. Tammy who was pregnant, who had a toddler son. Tammy who had saved Lou’s life, and without whom Lou was not certain she would have the will to survive at this particular moment in time, no matter how unhealthy and unfair that sentiment may be. She would never tell Tammy that, never burden her in that way. If anything, Lou was determined to be okay if only so that Tammy would never have to feel the full weight of her despair, to get better so that Tammy wouldn’t have to suffer.

Sure, it was a long shot that Debbie would do anything stupid or reckless enough to endanger the people she cared about, but…she’d never really had to face the consequences of her actions before, either. Without having any idea what sort of mental state Debs was in, it was hard to know what sort of trouble she might get herself into. 

It was hard for Lou to think about Debbie without falling back into old habits. Specifically, she had a tendency to blame herself for everything that had gone wrong between the two of them, regardless of what common sense would dictate. In some weird, twisted way, Lou actually believed that she deserved to be cheated on, that she deserved to be left. That, as Debbie had said, she should have been more careful with her emotions.

A lot of things about their relationship had been Debbie’s fault, but Lou’s apparent need to place all of the blame squarely on herself was not. In part, Lou had been raised to believe that everything- including her own existence- was her own fault. Even though she knew it was a silly way to think, she couldn’t seem to shake it. Sure, Debbie didn’t necessarily do much to alleviate Lou’s guilt, and in certain circumstances she may have used this to manipulate Lou, but still.

\--

The following day, Lou went to visit Debbie. She’d been thinking about it for a long time, it just so happened that Rusty’s visit had been perfectly timed to guilt her into it. He’d known that, of course, and Lou could recognize that he was trying to manipulate her, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t right…necessarily. Lou honestly didn’t know what to think anymore, and the only people she ever trusted as a sounding board were…precisely the three people confusing the hell out of her. She wished she’d stayed in touch with…God, anyone. She wished she hadn’t always run so thoroughly away from her mistakes. This was a strange feeling for Lou, who generally had very few regrets. It was just…the regrets that she did have were big ones. 

Her conversation with Debbie was awkward, stilted. She’d never really held anything back from Debbie, not anything that had to do with her whatever her present life circumstances happened to be. She’d been an open book to Debbie for years, although clearly Deb managed to pull a few things over on Lou. Now, however, she had a badly ended marriage and new relationship to conceal from the woman who had once known her almost better than she knew herself. 

It turned out that Lou didn’t have all that much to be concerned about. Debbie was…not all that interested in the details of Lou’s life in the time that they’d been apart. She was too busy apologizing overdramatically for all of the mistakes that she had made. Lou could tell that it was only partially authentic, so although these were the words she had long wanted to hear (not that she was fully aware of that wanting), she was not exceptionally moved by them. Or, not in a positive way, anyway. She couldn’t quite figure out what it was that Debbie seemed to be trying to communicate to her with all of these histrionics, but then, it may not have been about Lou at all. Maybe she was just a distraction. It would be a good idea- it made sense, all eyes were likely to be on Debs, and Lou doubted she’d had many visitors. Maybe Rusty had played her…she had some choice words to share with him later if that were the case. 

Dinner that night had been absolutely silent. Tammy and Lou both lost in their anxieties, Lou silently brooding. Derek had begun excitedly babbling about something he’d learned about dinosaurs, but at the women’s half-hearted responses, he’d pushed his food around silently before announcing he was going to tuck himself in tonight. This raised the alarm for Tammy, who had only ever seen the young boy behave this way in the presence of his father. She picked him up, asking him questions as she carried him towards the stairs. Lou snapped out of her endlessly spiraling thoughts as she slowly processed the sight. 

“Tammy…” Lou said, gently, snapping Tammy out of her internal downward spiral. 

Tammy looked at Lou questioningly before a mixture of fear and guilt washed over her features. She smiled softly seeing the genuine concern written across Lou’s features. She kissed Derek several times before setting him down and patting his butt gently, asking him to go brush his teeth. He complied, only recently having grasped the concept well enough to do so on his own. He was still young enough that he ought to be supervised, but competent enough to be trusted alone for a minute or two. Tammy turned back to Lou and mouthed “thank you.” Lou simply shrugged, smiling sheepishly. The stayed like that, eyeing each other from across the room for a long moment, but Tammy was summoned upstairs before either had the chance to make a move. 

They didn’t exchange more than a few words that night and shared a long, breathy kiss before collapsing into bed, too exhausted to do anything more than sleep. The remainder of that week followed a similar pattern. Although they were falling deeply into a domestic routine, there was little in the way of verbal communication or physical intimacy. 

The second week flowed in a similar fashion…until Lou made the mistake of answering the house phone. To be fair, Tammy had been the one who had asked her too, having been in the middle of bath duty. Besides, Tammy had reasoned, who would call the landline anyway? Almost nobody knew that number…

…Almost. But Debbie did, of course. 

“Hello?” Lou muttered groggily. Although it was 7 at night, Lou was just waking up from a nap. She and Tammy had taken on rather different sleeping schedules, which was helpful for Derek’s sake, but left the two women little time to talk. Plus it meant Lou didn’t have to bother Tammy about Derek’s nightmares (his request).

“You are not Tammy.”

Lou rolled her eyes, sighing.

“Knew this was a bad idea.”

“Why? Don’t wanna talk to me anymore?”

“Nothing left to say. What do you want with Tammy?” Lou asked, more protectively than she should have. She covered the mouthpiece on the phone and breathed “fuck” as she hit herself in the forehead, pissed at herself for being so reckless.

“So you two seem…awfully close…”

“Because I’m at her house?”

“I thought you didn’t get along.”

“You thought wrong.”

“Then I was right in the first place, you actually like each other.”

“Why did you call, Deborah?”

“Testing a theory.”

“Cut the cryptic shit.”

“Nothing. You answered my questions without me having to ask.”

“Fine. Goodbye.” 

Lou ended the call and slammed the wireless handset back into the charger. She threw herself onto the sofa, burying her face in a pillow and screamed. Tammy came down the stairs just in time to see this scene play out. She was toweling off her hands and forearms, clothes splattered with bubbles and bathwater. 

“Who…?”

Lou’s muffled response was indistinguishable as she failed to remove her face from the pillow. 

Tammy set a hand of Lou’s back gently, finding it tight, Lou’s breathing irregular. 

“Deb?”

Lou nodded into the pillow, turning her face to draw in a ragged breath.

“What did she say?”

“Nothing really. I think she was just trying to catch me here.”

“She knows?” Tammy asked, blanching.

“I don’t know what she knows or thinks…other than that I’ve been staying here…” Lou replied, sheepish. Lou sat up, turning slowly to face Tammy. 

“Why do you look guilty?”

“I don’t know…”

“You don’t—”

“I might been a little overprotective. Of you.”

“What did you say?”

“I don’t know. Nothing. I just want her to leave you alone.” 

“You didn’t say that, did you?”

“…no.”

“Okay, good.”

“…it was kind of implied though.”

“Lou…”

“I know, I know.” Lou dropped her face into her hands. “Do you want me to leave?”

Tammy looked stunned.

“What? No! Why would I want that?”

“I don’t know…I crossed a line.” Lou shrugged.

“Okay…but we decided…we both decided that we wanted this, right? To do…this…together?”

“Well, yeah, but…”

“But what?”

“What are we even doing, Tam?” Lou’s tone was impatient, almost hostile, and slightly pained.

“What do you mean? Do you want like… a label or something? I thought you hated that,” Tammy demanded, irritated.

“I do. Ugh…that’s not…that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what the fuck DO you mean?”

“We don’t talk. At all. Unless it’s for Derek. We don’t do anything…else, either.”

“This is about sex?”

“Dammit Tammy! That’s not fair.”

“Isn’t it? Because you sound an awful lot like my husband right now.”

“You know what, fuck you. Fuck this.”

Lou pushed off of the sofa, grabbing her phone from the table.

“Where are you going?”

“Home.”

“Good luck with that.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“You never extended your lease, dumb dumb.” Tammy’s tone softened at the realization that Lou really had no idea.

“What?! Why the fuck didn’t you say something if you knew?”

“You said you didn’t want it anymore,” Tammy shrugged.

“I didn’t really mean…I just…what about my stuff?” she asked, defeated.

“It’s all in the garage. Some of the guys picked it up.”

Lou narrowed her eyes.

“Which guys are these, exactly?”

“Don’t worry about it. I didn’t tell anyone you don’t trust.”

“False. I don’t trust anyone.” 

Tammy’s face fell.

“Oh…”

“Tam…I didn’t mean…”

“No, it’s okay…”

“You’re not a guy,” Lou offered, somewhat playfully, a slight smile on her face. 

“Are you really leaving?” Tammy asked softly, picking at her dented, slightly chipped manicure.

“Do you want me to stay?”

“Well…I do have all of your stuff here…”

“Mhmm…”

“And I have gotten kind of fond of sleeping next to a warm, adult-sized body at night…”

“Riiight. Well, when you put it that way, how could I possibly say no?” Lou grinned, catching Tammy’s hands and pulling her closer. Tammy wrapped her arms around Lou’s shoulders as Lou’s came to rest on Tammy’s hips. Tammy smiled, melting into the touch. Tammy leaned in, her lips brushing Lou’s. Lou tried to kiss Tammy, but Tammy pulled back almost imperceptibly. 

“I love you.” Tammy whispered the words to softly she almost wasn’t sure she’d said them aloud, wasn’t sure Lou had heard. Lou kissed Tammy tenderly, not certain she’d heard properly but choosing to believe that she had.


	11. In Flux (pt. I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tammy and Lou are trying to find their groove, but there's always something...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! I'm sorry again for the delay! I'm also really sorry to inform you this chapter leaves you hanging a little! I should have the second part up soon (the plan is for that one to be heftier).
> 
> Thank you, as always, for the feedback on the last chapter, it is always sooo much appreciated!

Tammy and Lou fell into a domestic routine. Naturally, they were still holding things back from one another, but life just became what it was. Conversation became more quotidian and less purely emotional, the hard stuff just fell to the wayside as packed lunches and paid bills and schedule coordination came to the forefront.  

Tammy was closed-lipped about her work and Lou didn’t want to know anything. There were no more unannounced visits to the house. Lou wrote to Debbie a couple of times, but more importantly she took up a job as a bartender at a local dive. It wasn’t much money, but it was something to do, and way to go people watching that was somewhat productive. She could’ve aimed higher but had no particular ambitions at the present moment beyond those of really following this relationship wherever it might take her.

Tammy’s husband never made an appearance, either. Although he did send a letter, once. It was long, detailed, apologetic, and rather pungent from the whiskey he’d managed to spill as he wrote. It didn’t say much of substance, but it indicated he didn’t intend to return to the house. On the other hand, it said nothing much of divorce, either. Tammy read it silently and left it sitting on the coffee table, wide open, as she went about finishing up the laundry and washing the dinner dishes. It was still sitting there when Lou came in and flopped down onto the sofa, resting her foot on the table as she went to unzip her boot, the same way the did every day. Her eyes wandered over the paper and she slid her glasses out of her jacket pocket and onto her face, as she’d done about five thousand times that night (she’d been doing inventory).

Lou scanned the top page of the letter in a cursory fashion, the way she ordinarily did the mail that Tammy left in that spot for her to look at. Usually they were just bills, which Lou had taken to managing, or amusing cards or chain letters. She dropped her still boot-clad foot back down to the floor.

“Tammy?” she called, as she walked quickly toward the kitchen, the heels of her boots clicking rapidly and aggressively against the hardwood (which drove Tammy crazy).

“Mhmm?” Tammy’s voice was soft, almost muffled sounding.

“What’s this?”

“What’s what?”

They bumped into each other in the doorway to the kitchen, Lou’s momentum sending Tammy off balance. Lou stumbled a bit but still managed to catch Tammy’s forearm to steady her.

“Sorry…are you okay?” Lou’s brow furrowed slightly.

“Yeah, I’m good.” Tammy smiled tensely, laughing awkwardly.

Lou held up the letter.

“And this?”

“Oh…that…is just…nothing.”

“Which is why you left it on the table?”

Tammy shrugged.

“I don’t know. It’s not nothing. But…it just…doesn’t really say anything.”

“What does he want?”

“That what I’m saying- I have no idea. Like, he doesn’t want to come back, but…”

“But?”

“I guess he still wants to be married? It’s confusing.”

“Well, what do _you_ want?”

Tammy looked up, surprised.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, why does it only matter what he wants? He’s not really in the position to control you. Not anymore.”

“He never _controlled_ me.”

“Okay, well, whatever you want to call it. You don’t have to do everything just to please him.”

“I guess I know what _you_ want me to do, then,” Tammy snapped.

“I didn’t say anything,” Lou replied, calmly, raising her hands in surrender.

Tammy rolled her eyes.

“You didn’t have to.”

“Hey, it doesn’t bother me what you do. And I know there are other…factors to consider. I’m not exactly proposing that I take his place,” Lou with apparent nonchalance.

“You’re not exactly proposing anything,” Tammy argued.

“I’m sorry, did you expect me to?” Lou asked, finally snapping. “You do know me, don’t you? And how I feel about…all of that bullshit.”

Tammy nodded, breaking, barely holding back tears.

“Yeah, you’ve made it pretty clear.”

Lou sighed heavily.

“Look, even if I didn’t feel the way that I do…there are other things to consider. Like…I don’t know, do you really want the whole world to see what we’re doing here? Debbie? All of our more...unsavory contacts? It could be dangerous.”

“Do you really think that it would make a difference to Debbie? She probably already knows that we’re together.”

“Do you really think it would be worth the risk?” Lou asks gently, gesturing toward Tammy’s belly.

Tammy wrapped her arms around her belly, shrinking into herself slightly. Lou pulled Tammy into a warm embrace.

“Tam, I’m not trying to be harsh…I just…and I’m not saying I don’t want this. I do, you have to know that I do.”

Tammy sighs heavily, relenting to the embrace though not quite melting into it. Her arms fall limp at her sides.

“Where is this going?” Tammy asked, impatiently.

“Where is…what going? Our relationship?”

“Yes.”

“Does it have to be going anywhere?”

“I don’t know…”

“Honey…we’ve only been together a very short amount of time…”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

Lou withdrew her arms from around Tammy, stepping back and clicking her heel against the floor in annoyance.

“Look,  I don’t know what you’re expecting, but you know my track record on this. Even aside from whatever might happen with Debbie…I need for this to go slow. I have made the same mistake twice…jumping into marriage for…whatever reason and I just can’t do that again. I can’t do that with you.”

“Oh.”

“Oh- no- I didn’t mean-“

“It’s fine.”

“Tammy…”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Tammy replied, swiftly turning on her heel to return to the kitchen.  Lou groaned and returned to the sofa, finally removing her boots.

\--

Lucas’ knuckles were sore from rapping on the door of the Midtown apartment. He had slipped into the building behind another resident after about ten minutes of ringing the doorbell. The last available address he had been able to track down for his mother was here, and he knew it was a long shot- hell, he knew Lou wasn’t the kind to stick around. He wasn’t even sure what he was doing here. But the name on the buzzer still said Ocean…

\--

Johnny had tried to get in touch with Lou for a number of years. He’d fallen on hard times following a surfing injury…he’d had a meager income to begin with but this hit after Dana’s hospital bills and the funeral…

Johnny had found ways to make ends meet. He’d dealt pot since he was a kid and had been offered more lucrative opportunities but had never wanted to take them because they were risky.  That wasn’t exactly the life that he wanted for Lucas (or himself). But after a while…he really had no other choice.  

Lucas had proven himself to be something of a genius, his inheritance from his mother. Even though he seldom applied himself in school, he was more well-read than any of his peers, particularly when it came to the classics. He had a strange affinity for Jane Austen, as well, which made Johnny laugh because it would’ve driven Lou crazy. Still, even with his lack of effort, he made best marks across the board, and Johnny had been strongly encouraged to send him to a “better” school- which meant more money, again. At the very least, most people said, Johnny should find a way to send him to uni in the States. John was proud of being Australian and had no real desire to send his son that far away…not to mention that he just didn’t have the money.

So much of Lucas was so perfectly Lou, and that was what John loved the most about him. Other than Lucas’s dark, almond shaped eyes, he didn’t even really look like his father at all. They had about as much in common as far as interests were concerned. Well, except that Lucas had inherited Johnny’s optimism. That in combination with Lou’s determination and ability to survive through anything, he would either go far, get into a lot of trouble, or likely both. Dana had been Johnny’s kindred spirit, and he had lost that bond. Johnny spent a disproportionate amount of time hoping that Lucas hadn’t completely missed out on that bond with Lou.

\--

Danny Ocean was roused from a deep sleep by the sound of knocking at the door- a sound that usually meant he was in trouble. He’d moved into Deb’s apartment because…well, it was paid for, he was on a job in the city, and…well, he needed some space from Tess. He knew that it was a risky move- hiding in plain sight. Hell, Debs hadn’t even used a cover name. He was banking on it being such an obvious choice that nobody would suspect a thing. And it had been working surprisingly well so far, at least as far as he could tell. Which was why he could not figure out who this sandy-haired young man with small eyes and the characteristic Lou Miller swagger was and why he was banging Debbie’s door down. But…he didn’t necessarily trust it.

On the other hand, he wasn’t exactly thinking straight just at the moment (a result of the dilemma that Rusty had visited with Tammy about), and was very, very drunk. So he opened the door, swinging forward, fingers gripping tight to the top of doorframe.

“Who the fuck are you?” Danny slurred, narrowing his eyes accusatorily.

“Uh…I just…I’m just looking for my mom. I don’t know where she is…I thought…” he scratched his head confused.

Danny raised his eyebrows at the kid’s accent, and further still at the word “mom.” He said nothing though, brain too foggy from the drink, and besides, it was far more amusing to watch the kid sweat. He seemed earnest…and…pure. Danny tried to imagine Lou in that way…but she’d simply never struck him as such.

“I thought that Debbie Ocean lived here…” Lucas stammered on, “that was the last person Dad said she lived with…that…he knew about. I mean it was a long shot…but the buzzer still says…”

Danny stopped short, puzzled.

“What does my sister have to do with this?” he asked, narrowing his eyes in the kid’s direction, temporarily forgetting that his baby sister was a fully grown woman.

“Oh…I…she’s…obviously not my mom- er…well not exactly…or…I don’t know, I guess you’d know about that better than I would but-“ Lucas stopped short, shaking his head as though to shake out the chaotic thoughts. “Lou Miller. I’m looking for Lou Miller. She’s my mom.”

Danny blinked several times, absorbing nothing of Lucas’s rambling. At the simplified version, Danny nodded, stepping aside, gesturing for Lucas to enter the room.

“Well, your mother hasn’t lived here for a while.”

Lucas nodded wordlessly, watching as Danny poured himself a glass of scotch. Danny sat on the sofa, crossing his legs in a leisurely fashion. He indicated that Lucas should sit opposite him on a recliner. Lucas perched nervously on the edge.

“You must understand you’re quite lucky that my sister couldn’t bear to part with this place. Otherwise you’d definitely never find Lou.”

Lucas nodded again, swallowing. His eyes were hopeful.

“Does that mean you know where my mom is?” His voice cracked slightly.

Danny chuckled.

“I know a great many things. And yes, as a matter of fact I know _exactly_ where your mother is right now.” Danny’s eyes sparkled mischievously, and Lucas wasn’t exactly sure what to make of that. Lucas crossed his arms over his body, closing himself off from…whatever was or wasn’t happening here. Danny laughed again, rolling his eyes as he stood up, walking to the other end of the room.

“Where are you going?” Lucas asked meekly.

Danny pointed to the landline. Lucas nodded slowly, letting out his breath.

“Kid, I may not generally be a trustworthy man- I can tell that you’ve got Lou’s instinct when it comes to character- but you can trust that I’m not going to hurt you. Rusty would have my hide for that.”

Lucas nodded again, puzzled.

“Who’s Rusty?”

“Oh…just an old friend of your mom’s. I’m sure you’ll meet him eventually. Now do you want me to call her or not?”

\--

 

 

 

 


End file.
